The War Within

I have been conflicted as of late
I am at war with my flesh
I make a good face for those around me
But inside my mind is a mess

My thoughts cascade to a variety of things
That I dare not say out loud
At times I don't recognize myself when I muse
Some thoughts are so dark, mean, and proud

My eyes are the worst
They go to where they know they should not go
but still
they go
My imagination takes over and creates a fantasy
A fallacy
Where I entertain with my senses of what is not there but only in the theatre of my mind
Where smells, taste, and touch is almost all to real and I shut out what's in front of me

I indulge my creativity
Pushing forth for art's sake
As if art gave a shit
I try to hide under the lie of self improvement where there is only self
My actions and my words are sweet and kind, but I feel like they are the lie
The dark, lying, lustful person in my mind is the truth

The war I feel isn't over content of thought but of my motivation
Today I am repulsed by what creeps in my head, but tomorrow I will revel in it
Roll in it
Surround myself in it

The war is I don't want my weaknesses to win
Ground is gained and ground is lost, both sides take casualties
But what is the state of my heart?
The only comfort I take is that the war still rages
I'm still bothered
It's the point where it doesn't bother me that I have lost