deepundergroundpoetry.com
the melting dream
I.
hang me on
Your latticework of myth
let roses twine
about my limbs
the wall to which
the lattice clings
whitewashed beside
a Grecian sea
You breathing out
the clouds above
II.
the twilit street
with neon shops
resolves in
the wake of a blur
left by
my melting dream
and all
its vacant premises
hang me on
Your latticework of myth
let roses twine
about my limbs
the wall to which
the lattice clings
whitewashed beside
a Grecian sea
You breathing out
the clouds above
II.
the twilit street
with neon shops
resolves in
the wake of a blur
left by
my melting dream
and all
its vacant premises
Published 27th May 2017
| Edited 27th Sep 2018
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Anonymous
- Edited 27th May 2017 5:05am
27th May 2017 5:04am
must say, this one ( those two) are of much better standard than those of late. <~ probably a taste thing
roses around your limbs, very nice. of course, there'll be thorns with those roses, probably gonna bleed a bit onto the whitewash
but, all joking aside. fantastic stuff. vivid in its imagery, probably erotic too for some.
one thing I'll throw out there is the last couple of the first offering seems to be surplus to the meter of the body
that's to say, when I read the first poem I felt the Grecian sea couplet was where the meter ended ( if that makes any sense at all I'll buy you a pint .. or a bottle of Stella)
anyhow, not really important or critical but I'd like to hear your opinion when you get a chance
second part is shit hot too. great turn of phrase : "resolves in
the wake of a blur"
all in, this is the kind of stuff I like to read,
* hat tip *
roses around your limbs, very nice. of course, there'll be thorns with those roses, probably gonna bleed a bit onto the whitewash
but, all joking aside. fantastic stuff. vivid in its imagery, probably erotic too for some.
one thing I'll throw out there is the last couple of the first offering seems to be surplus to the meter of the body
that's to say, when I read the first poem I felt the Grecian sea couplet was where the meter ended ( if that makes any sense at all I'll buy you a pint .. or a bottle of Stella)
anyhow, not really important or critical but I'd like to hear your opinion when you get a chance
second part is shit hot too. great turn of phrase : "resolves in
the wake of a blur"
all in, this is the kind of stuff I like to read,
* hat tip *
27th May 2017 10:34pm
haha You saying my other recent poems have been shit? Just kidding, and thank you for such a kind and thoughtful comment. x I know exactly what you mean about the meter ending, though I didn't notice that in the poem until reading your comment. I think the issue that the previous couplets could all be one sentence, where the last couplet feels like its own sentence and therefore feels tacked on.
27th May 2017 12:51pm
This is haunting, Helsop. That first stanza reflects such a metephorical need to grow and bloom under Love. While the second reflects its inconsequential surroundings when submerged.
27th May 2017 1:33pm
I can see Dali in the melting;
the glow of neon in twilight is certainly surreal...
the glow of neon in twilight is certainly surreal...
27th May 2017 3:00pm
Jack wow my friend so far this is the best poem i've read of yours the imagery & emotion of the piece is highly effectual..
love you my friend..
xo Brenda
love you my friend..
xo Brenda
27th May 2017 10:52pm
A few words that show a journey - like a constellation drawn on stars on an infinite page - Bravo -
"Vacant premises" wow
"Vacant premises" wow
28th May 2017 10:01am
It definately holds that dream-like quality,
such as the edge of painfully beautiful things.
And the images brought as they melt away
into a blur of reality seeping back into focus.
Enjoyable reading...
such as the edge of painfully beautiful things.
And the images brought as they melt away
into a blur of reality seeping back into focus.
Enjoyable reading...
