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[ Legacy ] Beaded Curtains
She taps
ash into shot glass
neglected by dishwashers
for decades
admiring sunlit cigarette
smoke phantoms mingling
with beaded curtains between her
and shattered, blacked out windows
long boarded over
remnants of a hey day
when girls like her glittered
more than gold or diamonds
banking on the drunken
generosity of gentlemen
amusingly referred to
behind their backs
as Cottonwood
and Khaki Package;
their hard earned paychecks
liquidated into dollar bills
burning through dampened
pockets
The best customers
were the quiet ones
who only came to watch
If she missed anything about
the Shakin' Bacon Strip Club
it was them
They did not leer
or get anywhere near
intoxicated as others
nor did they paw at
and grope the dancers
She sighs
Perhaps it was a fool's hope
that twenty-seven years later
they fondly remembered
her just the same
Published 18th May 2017
| Edited 28th Jun 2020
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 10
reading list entries 2
comments 9
reads 1018
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
She taps ash in a shot glass
neglected by dishwashers
for decades,
What a beautiful dance of consonants, like a basket of snakes entwining to mesmerize the reader. The shot glass imagery is divine and stamps the period of Time.
admiring
sunlit cigarette
Say that out loud with me. Just one more time. The assonance of i is divine. Sheesh.
Just one more time...
smoke
Gotta maintain the mesmorization...
phantoms mingling with dusty < while I realize dusty picks up sunlit and cigarette, is it needed in lieu of the neglected shot glass?
beaded curtains between < beautiful imagery setting of an era past
her and shattered blacked out < something about shattered blacked out seems a bit excessive, perhaps a comma?
windows long boarded up < wow.
remnants of a hey day
when all that glittered
was not gold or diamonds
but rather girls like her
banking on the drunken
generosity of gentlemen < ohhh nice trail of alliteration
amusingly referred to
behind their backs as
Cottonwood and Khaki Package < :)
with hard earned paychecks < Package and paychecks, nice xo
liquidated into dollar bills
burning holes in dampened < the use of dampened is brilliant
pockets < I love that this one word ends the stanza - like it's empty of anything else
The best customers
were the quiet ones
who just came to watch;
if she missed anything
about the Shakin' Bacon
Strip Club, it was them
Perfect stanza. I googled Shakin' Bacon Strip Club because the name rocks. It actually doesn't exist. Which means you're brilliant. However, there is another I discovered ( in addition to a Vegan one?! ) Jack Sparrow himself might be interested in.
They did not leer
nor get anywhere near
intoxicated as others
nor did they paw at
the dancers or grope
She sighs
Perhaps it was a fool's hope
that twenty-seven years later
they fondly remembered
her just the same
These latter stanzas reminded me of Seger's "Main Street"...I'm unsure why. Perhaps it's the energy, or the distant space between patron and dancer. More like they weren't looking for a cheap thrill, but instead appreciated the talent and skill. Or perhaps because it personifies memory from the other side. Not only do men remember those whom they'd pedestal in beauty, but they were remembered too.
I loved the perspective of this, the dark imagery so associated with time's past in regards to old strip clubs and wayward beer joints that became and defined one's younger life, now just a memory in old age.
neglected by dishwashers
for decades,
What a beautiful dance of consonants, like a basket of snakes entwining to mesmerize the reader. The shot glass imagery is divine and stamps the period of Time.
admiring
sunlit cigarette
Say that out loud with me. Just one more time. The assonance of i is divine. Sheesh.
Just one more time...
smoke
Gotta maintain the mesmorization...
phantoms mingling with dusty < while I realize dusty picks up sunlit and cigarette, is it needed in lieu of the neglected shot glass?
beaded curtains between < beautiful imagery setting of an era past
her and shattered blacked out < something about shattered blacked out seems a bit excessive, perhaps a comma?
windows long boarded up < wow.
remnants of a hey day
when all that glittered
was not gold or diamonds
but rather girls like her
banking on the drunken
generosity of gentlemen < ohhh nice trail of alliteration
amusingly referred to
behind their backs as
Cottonwood and Khaki Package < :)
with hard earned paychecks < Package and paychecks, nice xo
liquidated into dollar bills
burning holes in dampened < the use of dampened is brilliant
pockets < I love that this one word ends the stanza - like it's empty of anything else
The best customers
were the quiet ones
who just came to watch;
if she missed anything
about the Shakin' Bacon
Strip Club, it was them
Perfect stanza. I googled Shakin' Bacon Strip Club because the name rocks. It actually doesn't exist. Which means you're brilliant. However, there is another I discovered ( in addition to a Vegan one?! ) Jack Sparrow himself might be interested in.
They did not leer
nor get anywhere near
intoxicated as others
nor did they paw at
the dancers or grope
She sighs
Perhaps it was a fool's hope
that twenty-seven years later
they fondly remembered
her just the same
These latter stanzas reminded me of Seger's "Main Street"...I'm unsure why. Perhaps it's the energy, or the distant space between patron and dancer. More like they weren't looking for a cheap thrill, but instead appreciated the talent and skill. Or perhaps because it personifies memory from the other side. Not only do men remember those whom they'd pedestal in beauty, but they were remembered too.
I loved the perspective of this, the dark imagery so associated with time's past in regards to old strip clubs and wayward beer joints that became and defined one's younger life, now just a memory in old age.
18th May 2017 10:21pm
You are correct about the lack of comma after shattered and I have dusted the beaded curtains. High praise for what I thought wasn't much to begin with, but it grew on me as I completed it.
19th May 2017 1:13am
this really is an utterly brilliant atmospheric write moody in its flavor.. it kind of reminds me of myself metaphorically speaking in that my past still haunts though I don't sit in such place these days rather a sunlit deck is where I take my leisure.. I do however reflect on my days as a working girl fondly & not so fondly..
peace Crim
peace Crim
Anonymous
18th May 2017 11:17pm
This is incredible
Anonymous
- Edited 8th Nov 2018 00:49am
19th May 2017 10:18pm
<< post removed >>
20th May 2017 6:22am
I love the sound of this. It's a joy to read aloud. Can't help but grin at your nicknames and club name. The little taste of bittersweet at the end, the wistfulness, touched me.
21st May 2017 2:34pm
Congratulations! This poem has been nominated for Deep Underground Poetry's Featured Poem of the Month Competition. You may view the nomination at the link below, and will be notified if selected.
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/9621/30/#393759
Best of Luck and thank you for being a member of the Deep Side! Poet
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/9621/30/#393759
Best of Luck and thank you for being a member of the Deep Side! Poet
1st Jun 2017 2:57pm
Congratulations! This poem has been nominated for Deep Underground Poetry's Featured Poem of the Month Competition for July, '17. You may view the nomination at the link below, and will be notified if selected.
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/9685/
Best of Luck and thank you for being a member of the Deep Side! Poet
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/9685/
Best of Luck and thank you for being a member of the Deep Side! Poet
