deepundergroundpoetry.com
Ultrasound Suicide
I heard its heartbeat after praying it wouldn't be there
Praying that the mass of matter, bean shaped and hardly sentient would not be breathing
But here you are, chugging away with a BPM that the doctor said was impressive
You're so healthy and I want you gone Steady legs started shaking, knees started to clattered
But on a brave face, you're a big girl now
Ultrasound suicide
Im trying to remember how to breath
Praying that the mass of matter, bean shaped and hardly sentient would not be breathing
But here you are, chugging away with a BPM that the doctor said was impressive
You're so healthy and I want you gone Steady legs started shaking, knees started to clattered
But on a brave face, you're a big girl now
Ultrasound suicide
Im trying to remember how to breath
Published 15th May 2017
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Anonymous
- Edited 8th Nov 2018 00:49am
16th May 2017 8:21am
<< post removed >>
17th May 2017 9:07pm
This is so emotionally raw. It really grips the heart of a reader and squeezes.
Because you've indicated you're open for critique on this one, I have some things I'd like to add.
I heard its heartbeat after praying it wouldn't be there — Because you use "you're" and "you" further into the poem, I would suggest using "a" here instead of "its". "You" would be another alternative, but perhaps more familiar than you want in this first line.
Praying that the mass of matter, bean shaped and hardly sentient would not be breathing — I'm going to suggest "wasn't" here instead of "would not be"
You're so healthy and I want you gone Steady legs started shaking, knees started to clattered — The part beginning with "steady" could be dropped to the next line, which would strengthen the sentiment of "I want you gone". If they remain on the same line, a period separating the two thoughts would be helpful.
"Steady legs started shaking, knees started to clattered" — specifically addressing this section, " to clattered" should be "clattering" or "to clatter".
But on a brave face, you're a big girl now — Typo on "put"
Ultrasound suicide
Im trying to remember how to breath — Here, you're missing the apostrophe in "I'm" and the "e" at the end of breathe.
Because you've indicated you're open for critique on this one, I have some things I'd like to add.
I heard its heartbeat after praying it wouldn't be there — Because you use "you're" and "you" further into the poem, I would suggest using "a" here instead of "its". "You" would be another alternative, but perhaps more familiar than you want in this first line.
Praying that the mass of matter, bean shaped and hardly sentient would not be breathing — I'm going to suggest "wasn't" here instead of "would not be"
You're so healthy and I want you gone Steady legs started shaking, knees started to clattered — The part beginning with "steady" could be dropped to the next line, which would strengthen the sentiment of "I want you gone". If they remain on the same line, a period separating the two thoughts would be helpful.
"Steady legs started shaking, knees started to clattered" — specifically addressing this section, " to clattered" should be "clattering" or "to clatter".
But on a brave face, you're a big girl now — Typo on "put"
Ultrasound suicide
Im trying to remember how to breath — Here, you're missing the apostrophe in "I'm" and the "e" at the end of breathe.
17th May 2017 11:06pm
Thank you so much for the feedback, I can honestly say there was no proofreading or even a second glance at this. I wrote it and posted, just an in the moment kinda thing. But thank you for taking the time to look it over!!
17th May 2017 11:17pm
