deepundergroundpoetry.com
[ SK ] Round And Round
The grill of chrome smiles
as she nips heels
The odometer of your life
running out of miles
as you run short of breath
with little time to reflect
on whatever, if any
chain of cause and effect
Death!
continues accelerating
at an alarming rate;
fight or flight syndrome
geared into Overdrive
bringing you to this
philosophy of living
in the moment
now keeping you alive
All the while
the wheels on
Christine?
go round and round
Is what Cuntingham named her
round and round
so close to grinding you
into One with the
ice and asphalt ground
Not very nice
but who's fault
is it really ... ?
Yeah, that's right, Shitter
Published 10th May 2017
| Edited 27th Oct 2021
Author's Note
inspired by Stephen King's "Christine"
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 1
comments 15
reads 959
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
10th May 2017 11:11pm
First, this is a sweet little read. Your King series is close to my heart ( Okay, so I'm your Number One Fan, Johnny ; ) ). I really try to take my time and feel them out before responding ( thus the lag on this one ).
The opening is brilliant and conjures all types of images, e.g. - a dog chase, bullies, etc. The assonance of 'i' in grill, smiles, and nips is excellent and guides the reader along nicely. The transition between smiles and as with the alliteration of 's' falling into heels is perfect.
The grill of chrome smiles
as she nips at your heels
o O! This is a slam dunk for me. Look at that assonance of 'o' worn like accessories...*sparkle motion*! The odometer of your life - sheesh....
The odometer of your life
running out of miles
as you run short of breath*
* Just want to point out the diphthong of breath in relation to life and miles is mouth-watering.
This is one area I've been ponder'n on.
with little time to reflect
on chain of cause and effect
The second line isn't reading right. I'm unsure what to suggest other than a "the" between "on" and "chain". Or perhaps "a" ( despite how I detest excess words ). However, I do believe one in this case would smooth the read. The more I read it with an "a" the better I like it. Also, it would play into the assonance of 'a' throughout chain.
The next part I somewhat struggled with is this:
that brought you to this
living in the moment
philosophy keeping you alive
as Death becomes you
at an accelerating rate
The thing about your work is that it's intricate; therefore, altering one word could disrupt the flow of half rhyme and rhyme throughout the entire piece. It's like playing chess; you can't just move the knight to square c3 without first surveying the consequences of that move potentially five moves down. It's the same with your poetry.
Having said that, let's look at the above stanza in its full context, beginning with the latter half:
that brought you to this
living in the moment
philosophy keeping you alive
as Death becomes you
at an accelerating rate
It seems that the infrastructure to the second half of the stanza isn't dependent upon itself in relation to half of full rhyme, with the exception of alive and overdrive. Then you have some amazing assonance carrying off the 'i' with flight and fight, which then plays into rate with the alliteration of 't' and assonance of 'e'. This is the base stitch for reflect, affect, and the alliteration of 't' and half rhyme of moment.
So then the question becomes HOW does one back-stitch a correction without unraveling the entire scarf of this ( or any of ) your verses? It's a good thing my mother taught me to make my own clothes young, or I'd probably make a mess of it. So imma try nonetheless.
There's no mistaken that there's something off in the flow here, but what? Can one word have the power to alter the flow of an entire stanza? I believe so. How would it read with the following revision:
with little time to reflect
on [a] chain of cause and effect
that brought you to this
living in the moment [of] ( or perhaps a hyphen between moment-philosophy / seems too choppy as is )
philosophy keeping you alive
as Death [overtakes] you
at an accelerating rate;
fight or flight syndrome
geared into Overdrive
I feel like "becomes" is the wrong word for a few reasons. The first being that it seemed the sore thumb sticking out in the stanza unrelated to anything in regards to rhyme or alliteration. Whereas "overtakes" picks up both the alliteration of the "t" sounds as well as assonance/rhyme of reflect, effect, rate, and even Death, which wasn't so apparent with 'becomes'.
Secondly, do we "become" Death when we die? Or do we succumb ( one way or another )? Become didn't seem to fit within the confines of its various definitions. Become is to come into existence of, and while we do come into the presence of Death - we do not actually become Death. That would leave 'to come to be' - again, come to be Death? or dead in the presence of Death? That leaves the essence of something becoming, "That dress looks very becoming on you." Does Death look becoming on another? This leaves the mood - is Death personified as moody? The situation becoming somber with Death?
Let's stop here before going further for two reasons. First, garnering your thoughts will align me with your mindset regarding this one. Secondly, it's a lot to digest. Sorry 'bout that.
The opening is brilliant and conjures all types of images, e.g. - a dog chase, bullies, etc. The assonance of 'i' in grill, smiles, and nips is excellent and guides the reader along nicely. The transition between smiles and as with the alliteration of 's' falling into heels is perfect.
The grill of chrome smiles
as she nips at your heels
o O! This is a slam dunk for me. Look at that assonance of 'o' worn like accessories...*sparkle motion*! The odometer of your life - sheesh....
The odometer of your life
running out of miles
as you run short of breath*
* Just want to point out the diphthong of breath in relation to life and miles is mouth-watering.
This is one area I've been ponder'n on.
with little time to reflect
on chain of cause and effect
The second line isn't reading right. I'm unsure what to suggest other than a "the" between "on" and "chain". Or perhaps "a" ( despite how I detest excess words ). However, I do believe one in this case would smooth the read. The more I read it with an "a" the better I like it. Also, it would play into the assonance of 'a' throughout chain.
The next part I somewhat struggled with is this:
that brought you to this
living in the moment
philosophy keeping you alive
as Death becomes you
at an accelerating rate
The thing about your work is that it's intricate; therefore, altering one word could disrupt the flow of half rhyme and rhyme throughout the entire piece. It's like playing chess; you can't just move the knight to square c3 without first surveying the consequences of that move potentially five moves down. It's the same with your poetry.
Having said that, let's look at the above stanza in its full context, beginning with the latter half:
that brought you to this
living in the moment
philosophy keeping you alive
as Death becomes you
at an accelerating rate
It seems that the infrastructure to the second half of the stanza isn't dependent upon itself in relation to half of full rhyme, with the exception of alive and overdrive. Then you have some amazing assonance carrying off the 'i' with flight and fight, which then plays into rate with the alliteration of 't' and assonance of 'e'. This is the base stitch for reflect, affect, and the alliteration of 't' and half rhyme of moment.
So then the question becomes HOW does one back-stitch a correction without unraveling the entire scarf of this ( or any of ) your verses? It's a good thing my mother taught me to make my own clothes young, or I'd probably make a mess of it. So imma try nonetheless.
There's no mistaken that there's something off in the flow here, but what? Can one word have the power to alter the flow of an entire stanza? I believe so. How would it read with the following revision:
with little time to reflect
on [a] chain of cause and effect
that brought you to this
living in the moment [of] ( or perhaps a hyphen between moment-philosophy / seems too choppy as is )
philosophy keeping you alive
as Death [overtakes] you
at an accelerating rate;
fight or flight syndrome
geared into Overdrive
I feel like "becomes" is the wrong word for a few reasons. The first being that it seemed the sore thumb sticking out in the stanza unrelated to anything in regards to rhyme or alliteration. Whereas "overtakes" picks up both the alliteration of the "t" sounds as well as assonance/rhyme of reflect, effect, rate, and even Death, which wasn't so apparent with 'becomes'.
Secondly, do we "become" Death when we die? Or do we succumb ( one way or another )? Become didn't seem to fit within the confines of its various definitions. Become is to come into existence of, and while we do come into the presence of Death - we do not actually become Death. That would leave 'to come to be' - again, come to be Death? or dead in the presence of Death? That leaves the essence of something becoming, "That dress looks very becoming on you." Does Death look becoming on another? This leaves the mood - is Death personified as moody? The situation becoming somber with Death?
Let's stop here before going further for two reasons. First, garnering your thoughts will align me with your mindset regarding this one. Secondly, it's a lot to digest. Sorry 'bout that.
Try this on for size
with little time to reflect
on whatever, if any
chain of cause and effect
bringing you to this
philosophy of living
in the moments
now keeping you alive
but not for many more
as Death behind you
continues to accelerate
at an alarming rate;
fight or flight syndrome
geared into Overdrive
with little time to reflect
on whatever, if any
chain of cause and effect
bringing you to this
philosophy of living
in the moments
now keeping you alive
but not for many more
as Death behind you
continues to accelerate
at an alarming rate;
fight or flight syndrome
geared into Overdrive
16th May 2017 3:10pm
I'm a context person:
Round And Round
The grill of chrome smiles
as she nips at your heels
The odometer of your life
running out of miles
as you run short of breath
with little time to reflect
on whatever, if any
chain of cause and effect
bringing you to this
philosophy of living
in the moments
now keeping you alive
but not for many more ( is this line needed? )
as Death behind you
continues to accelerate ( there's something about this and the next line I feel could be more streamlined? maybe 'as Death continues to accelerate' ? as Death continues the chase ( if you want to emphasize that ))
at an alarming rate;
fight or flight syndrome
geared into Overdrive
Other than the above minute speed-bumps it's a perfect revision. Now onto the rest:
All the while
the wheels on
What did Cuntingham name her? ( love this italicized )
go round and round
Christine ( and this - way to drive the point home )
round and round
so close to grinding you ( the use of 'so' here is a bullet of suspense... )
into the snow packed ground
making you one with
ice and asphalt
There's something about the final three lines of this stanza...I keep thinking of grinding corn with my grandmother on one of those stone wheels when I was little. It's an amazing yet gruesome image of blood and guts intermingled with snow and ice. There's something about "making you" that sticks out to me. I know there's some assonance with the 'a' and 'o', and I love the diphthong of you and ground; however, is it too much when less could have the same impact?
How about
so close to grinding you
into a snow packed ground
as one with ( I almost want to suggest capitalizing One for the pure irony of it )
ice and asphalt
You'll still retain the diphthong of you and ground from the first line while losing the second 'you' as a repetitive word.
Not very nice ( great Volta )
but who's fault
is it really? ( I don't know why I want to see a comma after it - or perhaps I just want to see 'really' emphasized? Maybe italics? I mean...really....)
Yeah, that's right, Shitter ( I feel the same way with wanting to see 'Shitter' ( cap noted ) emphasized - I think such would carry through from Christine to beautifully end this on a chilling note, so indicative of King himself.
Round And Round
The grill of chrome smiles
as she nips at your heels
The odometer of your life
running out of miles
as you run short of breath
with little time to reflect
on whatever, if any
chain of cause and effect
bringing you to this
philosophy of living
in the moments
now keeping you alive
but not for many more ( is this line needed? )
as Death behind you
continues to accelerate ( there's something about this and the next line I feel could be more streamlined? maybe 'as Death continues to accelerate' ? as Death continues the chase ( if you want to emphasize that ))
at an alarming rate;
fight or flight syndrome
geared into Overdrive
Other than the above minute speed-bumps it's a perfect revision. Now onto the rest:
All the while
the wheels on
What did Cuntingham name her? ( love this italicized )
go round and round
Christine ( and this - way to drive the point home )
round and round
so close to grinding you ( the use of 'so' here is a bullet of suspense... )
into the snow packed ground
making you one with
ice and asphalt
There's something about the final three lines of this stanza...I keep thinking of grinding corn with my grandmother on one of those stone wheels when I was little. It's an amazing yet gruesome image of blood and guts intermingled with snow and ice. There's something about "making you" that sticks out to me. I know there's some assonance with the 'a' and 'o', and I love the diphthong of you and ground; however, is it too much when less could have the same impact?
How about
so close to grinding you
into a snow packed ground
as one with ( I almost want to suggest capitalizing One for the pure irony of it )
ice and asphalt
You'll still retain the diphthong of you and ground from the first line while losing the second 'you' as a repetitive word.
Not very nice ( great Volta )
but who's fault
is it really? ( I don't know why I want to see a comma after it - or perhaps I just want to see 'really' emphasized? Maybe italics? I mean...really....)
Yeah, that's right, Shitter ( I feel the same way with wanting to see 'Shitter' ( cap noted ) emphasized - I think such would carry through from Christine to beautifully end this on a chilling note, so indicative of King himself.
but not for many more ( is this line needed? )
No, it's purely an after thought capitalizing on the addition of
on whatever, if any
=======================
as Death behind you
continues to accelerate ( there's something about this and the next line I feel could be more streamlined? maybe 'as Death continues to accelerate' ? as Death continues the chase ( if you want to emphasize that ))
"as Death continues to accelerate" works for me
=======================
so close to grinding you ( the use of 'so' here is a bullet of suspense... )
into the snow packed ground
making you one with
ice and asphalt
There's something about the final three lines of this stanza...I keep thinking of grinding corn with my grandmother on one of those stone wheels when I was little. It's an amazing yet gruesome image of blood and guts intermingled with snow and ice. There's something about "making you" that sticks out to me. I know there's some assonance with the 'a' and 'o', and I love the diphthong of you and ground; however, is it too much when less could have the same impact?
How about
so close to grinding you
into a snow packed ground
as one with ( I almost want to suggest capitalizing One for the pure irony of it )
ice and asphalt
........................
What say you to this?
so close to grinding you
blood, guts and all
intermingled with
ice on asphalt
======================
but who's fault
is it really? ( I don't know why I want to see a comma after it - or perhaps I just want to see 'really' emphasized? Maybe italics? I mean...really....)
.........................
but who's fault
is it really ... ?
There you go.
No, it's purely an after thought capitalizing on the addition of
on whatever, if any
=======================
as Death behind you
continues to accelerate ( there's something about this and the next line I feel could be more streamlined? maybe 'as Death continues to accelerate' ? as Death continues the chase ( if you want to emphasize that ))
"as Death continues to accelerate" works for me
=======================
so close to grinding you ( the use of 'so' here is a bullet of suspense... )
into the snow packed ground
making you one with
ice and asphalt
There's something about the final three lines of this stanza...I keep thinking of grinding corn with my grandmother on one of those stone wheels when I was little. It's an amazing yet gruesome image of blood and guts intermingled with snow and ice. There's something about "making you" that sticks out to me. I know there's some assonance with the 'a' and 'o', and I love the diphthong of you and ground; however, is it too much when less could have the same impact?
How about
so close to grinding you
into a snow packed ground
as one with ( I almost want to suggest capitalizing One for the pure irony of it )
ice and asphalt
........................
What say you to this?
so close to grinding you
blood, guts and all
intermingled with
ice on asphalt
======================
but who's fault
is it really? ( I don't know why I want to see a comma after it - or perhaps I just want to see 'really' emphasized? Maybe italics? I mean...really....)
.........................
but who's fault
is it really ... ?
There you go.
What say you to this?
so close to grinding you
blood, guts and all
intermingled with
ice on asphalt
No, because you've spelled it out. It's like a scantily clad model vs a nude one - nothing to the imagination. I mean just the word "grind" is connotative of so much more than blood and guts and "all". I mean to me it's bone and sinew and while I realize it's part of "all", "all" kills it for me.
How about simplicity with an impact?
so close to grinding you
as one with
ice and asphalt
======================
but who's fault
is it really ... ?
There you go.
======================
Is "There you go." a part of the verse now?
I like the ellipses...
so close to grinding you
into becoming One with
ice and asphalt
====================
Just the ellipses.
into becoming One with
ice and asphalt
====================
Just the ellipses.
Time to take your protein pill and put your helmet on?
Lemme see in full context with editing.
Lemme see in full context with editing.
16th May 2017 4:49pm
I still think 'Shitter' should be italicized not just to pick up Christine but "her' as well...
16th May 2017 4:51pm
16th May 2017 4:53pm
16th May 2017 4:54pm
1st Jun 2017 2:57pm
Congratulations! This poem has been nominated for Deep Underground Poetry's Featured Poem of the Month Competition for July, '17. You may view the nomination at the link below, and will be notified if selected.
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/9685/
Best of Luck and thank you for being a member of the Deep Side! Poet
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/9685/
Best of Luck and thank you for being a member of the Deep Side! Poet
