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I have an illness that isn't real

I have an illness that isn't real...
Something you can't see or touch, but I can feel
Truth be told you can see it, but only if you try
You must see past the mask and through the lie
Past the smile, and the hearty laugh
You must take my walls, break them in half
Reach into my fortress and force me out
My inner demons tug, and pull, they scream and shout
This is their prison, they keep me locked inside
Where I keep myself warm with dreams that died
Things I wanted when I was eleven or twelve
Now lay dead inside my cell
The only dream that I have left
Has yet to be seen or heard or be addressed
No longer do I want to fly to moon, or to be a star
Or to make a life worthy of memoir
I don't want travel the world or amass great wealth
All I want.... All I want is to get some help
That's the truth of it, and that hurts to me say
It makes me feel weak to admit I am not okay
To admit to all the people that I pushed away
But it hurts more knowing that the way things are going
Few would even care if I died today

And I don't know what to do
Those I love most refuse to acknowledge what I am going through
Convinced I am faking it, they're convinced I am fine
Forgive me please, but how can you be so asinine?
I was crying when I told you that I wish I were dead
But you blew it off and changed the subject instead
I trusted you with my darkest secret
My way of asking to help me get treatment
But I could see it in your face, you didn't want to hear it
This issue is difficult, and you don't want to be near it
Now we don't talk anymore
And my fake illness is the underlying underscore
I have carved my skin, I've drawn my own blood
But your words and actions hurt more than a blade ever could

But I don't have the patience or energy to hate you for it
In fact I internalise it all, how dare I make you upset
How seriously selfish can I get?
Can you find it in you forgive and forget?
The way I can apologise for not being dead yet?

The world I live in may be just a lie to you
A false facade meant to misconstrue
Because if I am still here, how could it be true?
You don't see the times I lie awake
You don't feel sweat, and you don't see me shake
In fact anybody rarely see's me at all
Because never leaving my house is my protocol
My only friends exist online
I haven't seen the real people in my life in quite some time
I have been disowned from what was once my family
And I wouldn't dream of asking for amnesty
For I know I am looked at disfavorably
And my actions are comparable to blasphemy

So maybe I should take this time to apologize
For all the tears that make it past my eyes
As they seep through cracks of my disguise
And caused all these problems that have arised
It's my fault, for I have an illness that isn't real
I will try to hide these cracks to better conceal
Try to make my depression solely my own ordeal
And as it eats me up, I hope you will never see
This fake illness slowly killing me
And when my autopsy confirms suicide
Maybe then you will see that I never lied
I told the truth
And the longer you live the longer  it will eat at you
Only then will you understand... What it was I was going through










Gezus
Written by Gezus
Published
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