Sleep, eat, repeat

I'm sorry, could you repeat that?
I was lost watching lazaraus fly in to the sun with his arms outstretched as if he he were a child looking towards his mother for laughter, love and the light that shines in her eyes as she beholds him

I'm sorry, could you say that again?
Did you say I should get out of bed because it's 3pm and I should rip apart the curtains that hide me from the blazing light of a judgemental world, could you please pour some water on the blaze burning within your gaze, this life is mine to waste
Please go away

I'm sorry, could you shut the door
The way I've shut the door on everything and everyone who only wants to help but by constantly pointing out the flaws in me that I'm already so pointedly aware of
they push my head deeper underwater and every other word from their lips is just another second of no air
And why won't everyone just shut the fuck up?

I'm sorry, I know that was uncalled for
But the words keep pouring into my ears and piling up until there's no room left inside my skull
all I need is a moment of silence, of quiet contemplation, of bone idleness of nothing but laying here staring at the ceiling to let my turn over each idle thought and word it's found in its reach, carefully examine them and decide wether there is a lesson to be learned
Instead the words and expectations of prompt replies turn to tinder and all it takes is one judgement to ignite a fire that puts the sun to shame.

I'm sorry that I always have to be sorry
I wish you could just understand
That the sounds you discard from your lips as a by product of your current form of judgment
They're not just sounds to me
They are the building blocks that will shape my life
Your confusion builds the walls
the disbelief is the roof
And in this fortress I have made to keep myself safe and far away
I paint the walls with camouflage the colour of humour and hope your eyes are fooled
that they won't see inside my mind and see the fires raging

Fuelled by people expecting me to be constantly sorry
Because smiles come a little harder for me
because every time I do smile it's followed by a frown
and a frown can lead to 2 to 6 weeks of never quite meeting anyone's eyes
of always being a few steps removed from the heart of every conversation

Of guarding my happiness as if it were a wallet packed with notes on a street lined with pickpockets
So stop telling me that everything will be fucking fine
life has taught me otherwise
it's taught me that for every up there are two downs
For every crown there are two blades waiting
for every moment of love there are twenty six of hating

Im glad that it's been kind to you
Be free, be wild and make your mark on the world like notches on your bedposts
But leave me in bed with my sheets tucked around me like they're the only reason my soul is still trapped inside my body

Because life has given us different textbooks to learn from
your was called the joy in love and hope
Mine is called the duality of life
And it's taught me to always say I'm sorry
because sooner or later, that's what life makes us