Tears of insanity

I have accepted pain. That is my normality. I can't remember the last time I felt real happiness.  Mabey as a child, a past life, under the influence of a substance, I don't know. I have learned to live with this pain. Every bad thing that happens to me, I harness and learn to love. It is my way of life. How bad would the reaction be when I discover true happiness as I no longer know what that is? Would a clown feel his world no longer make sense if his smile turned to a frown? If his constant happiness was interrupted by a moment of pain? How much longer do I have, before the unthinkable becomes my normality? But worse, how much longer, before I no longer care...?