To No One Who Will Listen

for Alex

I wanted to thank him, but I couldn't.
I couldn't tell him that before he came
That night I couldn't stop thinking
About knives and pills, if I could
Somehow find enough in the
Medicine cabinet, if I had enough
Nerve to search the net on how to
Properly sharpen a blade. We'd only
Been talking a day. It was one of
Those meetings I love with a guy
Almost twenty years younger than
Me, the kind where after a few
Tentative sentences it's like we're
On the same page and I've known him
All my life. I said the same things to
Him I've said to countless others,
That I expected nothing from him,
That I would only contact him if he
Contacted me. Two a.m. eventually
Rolled around, and things were
Showing their ugly heads in my line
Of vision, ugly truths I can't seem to
Run from anymore. The ache and
Need in me for someone to ache for
And need me. I kept thinking about
If I could land the job I was shooting
For all day, I kept thinking about the
Money, and... I kept thinking about
The one I was always so hot for,
Who keeps telling me I'm the only
One who can make him cum so
Hard, but who showed me a picture
Of his new girlfriend, his arms around
Her tight, and begged me not to
Talk to her ever for fear he'd lose
Her. In the very next breath he said
No one gets me off like you do.
But the other one... When he wrote that
Night I was floored. Two a.m. and I kept
Wondering how they'd find me if
I was successful, if I could cut deep
Enough, and I knew I could rely on
My brother not giving a fuck about
Me, and my body being allowed to
Slowly shut off and fester.
But he picked me up
In a gorgeous car, and drove me to
The dead end near my house, a
Perfect beautiful private secluded
Spot. I felt the wind in my hair. I
Laughed and talked with him
About his job and hobbies. And
When he opened his pants I felt so
Happy, I loved how good he tasted
And smelled, I loved the way he
Moaned crazily for me, his countless
Oh God's... And as his sperm slid
Down my throat I wished I could
Have thanked him for saving me,
For making me realize I'd rather have
A few more moments like these,
Even if they were empty and
Meaningless to him, than the silence
Of a dark silk lined rectangular box.
But I knew I couldn't tell him.
So I whisper it now
In bed, and he might have already
Hit the unmatch button, but I won't
Dare to look. I just lie now in darkness
And remember his intoxicating smile,
His soft brown eyes in a heartbreaking
Angel face. And I say to no one who will
Listen, Thank you.