deepundergroundpoetry.com
Salutations
It's done
You've won
Her innocence is gone
You stripped her down to nothingness
I damn sure hope you're proud of it
Your lethal love struck her down hard
Reduce her down to near retard
With which I mean nary offense
Just that you diluted her common sense
...how could you?
How could you lie in place of love?
Disguised as a blessing sent from up above
And then to happily fuck her over
You're something like a murderer
But yet, you've got the nerve to cry
And everybody's wondering why
You tormented her heart while she was here
And now you pretend she was so dear
Her departure is the fault of a fool
Even tho they'll never face the truth
The effects of the verbal and mental abuse
Lie only in the hands of you
.....Salute.
You've won
Her innocence is gone
You stripped her down to nothingness
I damn sure hope you're proud of it
Your lethal love struck her down hard
Reduce her down to near retard
With which I mean nary offense
Just that you diluted her common sense
...how could you?
How could you lie in place of love?
Disguised as a blessing sent from up above
And then to happily fuck her over
You're something like a murderer
But yet, you've got the nerve to cry
And everybody's wondering why
You tormented her heart while she was here
And now you pretend she was so dear
Her departure is the fault of a fool
Even tho they'll never face the truth
The effects of the verbal and mental abuse
Lie only in the hands of you
.....Salute.
Published 27th Apr 2017
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The author encourages honest critique.
28th Apr 2017 00:30am
I gather from context this is a message to the cheating ex-partner of yourself or a friend or character, the story is implicit and well formed for the most part. I would consider analysing your wording in a few lines for the sake of flow, for example
"How could you lie in place of love?
Disguised as a blessing sent from up above"
This wording forces the emphasis to be on words of lesser importance like from, which softens the hard hitting effect I imagine you were going for. And while I appreciate the style, the slightly broken flow of the first line I quoted doesn't sit fantastically with me, where the emphasis lies on the 1st, 4th, 6th and 8th syllables. In fact on first read I thought it said "How could you lie in a place of love", changing the meaning of the line entirely, but I personally think it would have worked better to word it slightly differently any to make it flow better but have the same effect. Example "how could you lie to the face of your love" or something like that. Just adding less important words between the words that hold all the context helps to maintain the meaning but create a more fluid rhythm. I only say this because you seem to have created a good flow for the most part so I assume this is intentional and something you hope to develop as you write. I assure you I enjoy your piece and credit your ability, kudos for that, these would be my only criticisms. But thank you for your poem, beautiful, well done
"How could you lie in place of love?
Disguised as a blessing sent from up above"
This wording forces the emphasis to be on words of lesser importance like from, which softens the hard hitting effect I imagine you were going for. And while I appreciate the style, the slightly broken flow of the first line I quoted doesn't sit fantastically with me, where the emphasis lies on the 1st, 4th, 6th and 8th syllables. In fact on first read I thought it said "How could you lie in a place of love", changing the meaning of the line entirely, but I personally think it would have worked better to word it slightly differently any to make it flow better but have the same effect. Example "how could you lie to the face of your love" or something like that. Just adding less important words between the words that hold all the context helps to maintain the meaning but create a more fluid rhythm. I only say this because you seem to have created a good flow for the most part so I assume this is intentional and something you hope to develop as you write. I assure you I enjoy your piece and credit your ability, kudos for that, these would be my only criticisms. But thank you for your poem, beautiful, well done
30th Apr 2017 10:21pm
First off, thank you for the honest critiques. I appreciate the value of your words and to an extent, agree. I wrote this poem in a Chipotle booth in about 5 minutes with no edits, or even glancing over it. It came from a place of immediate need to create. Eventually as I go back over my poetry through the years I edit wording that doesn't sit well with me. I've been writing for years though, so I definitely understand where you're coming from and again, appreciate your compliments nonetheless. I'll take into consideration the word change you suggested. Thank you for sharing!
28th Apr 2017 4:12am
30th Apr 2017 10:23pm
