Drowning in my mistakes

Don't try telling me what to do,
Don't try asking me to calm down,
I know the problem isn't you,
I'm feeling like I'm about to drown,
Don't pitty me  for crying,
Don't tell me to be strong,
Because my only hope is of dying,
Even if I know it's wrong,
Every horrible word I spoke,
That spilled out of my mouth like venom,
Now stings with burning guilt,
Like embers smoldering beneath the smoke,
Fighting until I'm numb,
Inescapably trapped in the gritty silt,
Terrorizing myself,
Staining myself,
With unwashable marks that only I can see,
I'm lost in my own ugliness,
Unable to break free,
I regret every hurt I caused through selfishness,
My pain overwhelms me like a cinder block,
Tied to my ankle are all the memories I had forgotten,
Pulling me down to the bottom,
And I try to reach out,
To make it stop,
But it only hurts those I care about,
And not wanting to go on this way,
Not wanting to live through another day,
I sink into the sands of depression,
Like an old ship at the bottom of the ocean,
I don't want to be found,
And so I remain there decaying and bound,
By my own actions and thoughts,
And I can't come up for air until it stops,
And eventually it does,
And I return to the the world above,
But only for a little while,
Enough to catch my breath,
Before ascending back into darkened  deapths.