Envy

Jealousy wraps itself
around her neck and
squeezes till she goes blue

we are stood on a restaurant balcony
I light a fag; pass her the lighter
she looks at me, a look i've seen
countless times in ten days
lights her cigarette and
takes a
d r a ggggggggg

We both look down at the car park
people come and go
she speaks
I nod, fag hanging from my mouth now
"How do you cope, with her?"
Medusa would be spinning in her
sea-laden grave
so many heads and
so many snakes hiss
with the one question

"I don't know
she's part of
the furniture now"

I quip
because I do love her
and the fight is their fight
not mine.

Today we sat
over coffee and
cigarettes

I unraveled how
I've been feeling
and she
silently watched my
face as it twisted
contorted

I point to her pack
of B&H
"How do you smoke them?"
"they're lighter than Turkish cigs, the ones I started on at least"
Lighter
  pass me a damn lighter
Lighter skin- please
(I never told anyone how I
'tried to scrub the olive away'
when i was eight)
"How did you start?"
"I had a crush on a boy
he handed me half and
i didn't want to look a prude"

flashback
it's 2011
my crush sits across from me
my face is the picture of hell
a roast is on the table
my vegetarianism
goes out of the window.

It's now 2017
I have been through
many crushes
many jealousies
many lusts

but jealousy
sinks its teeth
into my heart
just like it did
for the woman I smoked with
just like it did
for my first crush when he
got into his first serious relationship

Recurring themes
Hidden dreams
Coffee;tea;cigarettes
all mask the reigning
emotion as it
sits on its throne
fucking
laughing

It's all i know
that; and letting
people down when
all they want is
a hand up.

"Pretty girl, I love you"
"how do you say 'I love you' in English?"
"You have
 b e a u t i f u l
eyes"

Perhaps
but I hide
venom and pain
behind them
 brown
glassy
dead.

Here but never here
I look but I no longer see
I see but I no longer look
I am a mass of
con tra dict ions

I am the piss on the floor
and the puke in bleached toilet bowls
I am the drunk on a park bench
playing Russian roulette
with my liver.
I am hate and love
that hates to love.

I am the empty pill box
discarded; mis-labelled
disgusted.