deepundergroundpoetry.com
Tonight, he has no poem
Sadness clings to me like the lingering scent
of cigarettes and cheap perfume.
The piquant air of desperation
tastes of bitter almonds upon my lips.
I adorn myself in sorrow's benign braids
and my lover strips me bare of lace, denim,
and St. Theresa's little flowers.
I consider his redolence; when he shaves,
he won't splash on the cologne I gave him.
Sometimes he doesn't shave at all.
I like that best.
He needs his alone time, I suppose, in his den.
Reflecting on his military years. And those prostitutes.
I see their ghostly figures in peasant tops & torn skirts;
they turn and sneer at me.
At times he looks at me so intently that I feel
completely open, without secrets or shame.
So deep into me... I imagine he must be thinking
about the day when he'll have to hurt me.
(Photo by: Marco Sanges)
of cigarettes and cheap perfume.
The piquant air of desperation
tastes of bitter almonds upon my lips.
I adorn myself in sorrow's benign braids
and my lover strips me bare of lace, denim,
and St. Theresa's little flowers.
I consider his redolence; when he shaves,
he won't splash on the cologne I gave him.
Sometimes he doesn't shave at all.
I like that best.
He needs his alone time, I suppose, in his den.
Reflecting on his military years. And those prostitutes.
I see their ghostly figures in peasant tops & torn skirts;
they turn and sneer at me.
At times he looks at me so intently that I feel
completely open, without secrets or shame.
So deep into me... I imagine he must be thinking
about the day when he'll have to hurt me.
(Photo by: Marco Sanges)
Published 9th Mar 2017
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likes 13
reading list entries 3
comments 23
reads 1123
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
9th Mar 2017 8:58am
That sorrow, it's there in poetry, Kas;
somehow it lingers, even when we have no poem...
somehow it lingers, even when we have no poem...
9th Mar 2017 9:09am
Yes, it does; that sorrow becomes its own poem, there all along. Thank you for the beautiful words, John...
9th Mar 2017 9:47am
Wow, I don't believe he would think of hurting you maybe defiling you...Love the sombre tones of this Kasai
10th Mar 2017 1:58am
Thank you much, Tim, really appreciate that. I think that hurt is what makes it so real, such is love...
9th Mar 2017 12:12pm
I so love to write poems that feel like this, and love just as much to recommend those I haven't written. Those are ones that make me say (to myself) "I wish I'd written that."
Yours tend to capture that 'feel' so well, Jade and I'm honored by such a lovely comment and a place on your RL. It means much coming from such a talented poetess.
I thank you, kind lady...
I thank you, kind lady...
9th Mar 2017 12:36pm
That ending is stunningly unexpected, Kas. It's the stuff poetry's made of.
Because you have requested honest critique, I'd like to honor that with a few suggests.
First, one thing I've been learning recently from Johnny Blaze, is the power of spaces to emphasize thought and emotion. For example, take the third stanza; what if you spaced between 'Sometimes he doesn't shave at all' and 'I like that best'?
I consider his redolence; when he shaves,
he won't splash on the cologne I gave him.
Sometimes he doesn't shave at all.
I like that best.
I'd also recommend a slight pause with a comma after 'Sometimes'...just to slow your contemplation down a bit. This is where you're dreamily engaged in thought. Slowing a bit and spacing for emphasis projects that to the reader.
Also, I feel this verse could tighten up the flow a bit by losing some of the punctuation. For example, how would the following read...
He needs his alone time, I suppose, in his den.
Reflecting on his military years. And those prostitutes.
...if worded as such:
He needs his alone time, I suppose
reflecting on military years
and those prostitutes.
First, removing 'den' removes the limit to where his alone time is. Thus, the reader imagines and relates per their own experiences). Secondly, removing the excessive periods creates a flow of thought vs a stop and start. Lastly, the space emphasizes the fial flicker of his imagined thoughts, leaving the reader still in their own thought.
That final stanza is absolutely perfect, in my opinion. As previously stated, it's the stuff great poetry's made of.
Kas, you have a wondrous style of writing I thoroughly enjoy reading.
Because you have requested honest critique, I'd like to honor that with a few suggests.
First, one thing I've been learning recently from Johnny Blaze, is the power of spaces to emphasize thought and emotion. For example, take the third stanza; what if you spaced between 'Sometimes he doesn't shave at all' and 'I like that best'?
I consider his redolence; when he shaves,
he won't splash on the cologne I gave him.
Sometimes he doesn't shave at all.
I like that best.
I'd also recommend a slight pause with a comma after 'Sometimes'...just to slow your contemplation down a bit. This is where you're dreamily engaged in thought. Slowing a bit and spacing for emphasis projects that to the reader.
Also, I feel this verse could tighten up the flow a bit by losing some of the punctuation. For example, how would the following read...
He needs his alone time, I suppose, in his den.
Reflecting on his military years. And those prostitutes.
...if worded as such:
He needs his alone time, I suppose
reflecting on military years
and those prostitutes.
First, removing 'den' removes the limit to where his alone time is. Thus, the reader imagines and relates per their own experiences). Secondly, removing the excessive periods creates a flow of thought vs a stop and start. Lastly, the space emphasizes the fial flicker of his imagined thoughts, leaving the reader still in their own thought.
That final stanza is absolutely perfect, in my opinion. As previously stated, it's the stuff great poetry's made of.
Kas, you have a wondrous style of writing I thoroughly enjoy reading.
10th Mar 2017 2:11am
Hmm, yes, I do see how those seperations can definately make a difference in the emotion of the whole piece, such great advice, wise one. And the slower paced contemplation as well; so clever. I'm honored you took the time to share with me, Ahavati, I can only hope you enjoyed reading my words as much as I enjoyed yours. Thank you for the most lovely of visits...
Anonymous
9th Mar 2017 4:27pm
From the bitter almond taste to the final line, this is an incredibly moving piece. You've a true gift for expression. Very much enjoyed.
10th Mar 2017 2:15am
Such a kind and flattering comment; so glad to hear you enjoyed. Thank you so much for coming to share, truly appreciated...
9th Mar 2017 5:40pm
I always say a title can make or break a poem (just my view) and this title is perfection!
There is a bitterness in this poem that borders bittersweet...
Outstanding last line to a deeply moving piece, again I am in awe...
There is a bitterness in this poem that borders bittersweet...
Outstanding last line to a deeply moving piece, again I am in awe...
So glad you enjoyed, sweet lady, your visit means much.
Once again, you've left me with smiles.
Thanks for the visit, Duende...
Once again, you've left me with smiles.
Thanks for the visit, Duende...
Anonymous
9th Mar 2017 6:13pm
The ending ...
it resonates.
You must've been
in a beautiful frame of mind
to have thought of such
poetic intelligence ...
I am in awe ...
~love to you, Kasai ... Devlin
10th Mar 2017 2:25am
Isn't it an interesting process, the places our minds drift to when poetry finds us? Even when we have no poem, there it is waiting to be written. Honored you've decided to keep this one, and I thank you so much for the amazing comment as well, Devlin, so sweet of you to visit...
10th Mar 2017 00:42am
lovely Kasai I love the realness of this write..
I can smell his raw masculinity in it and feel your tender emotions for him..
love Crim
I can smell his raw masculinity in it and feel your tender emotions for him..
love Crim
10th Mar 2017 2:30am
Thank you for coming to share this with me, talented lady, I truly enjoy your visits and I'm so glad you felt the words...
10th Mar 2017 8:56am
11th Mar 2017 6:57pm
Anonymous
11th Mar 2017 3:51am
Eeeek gads Kasai...that last stanza....I enjoy a bang at the end of a write and you clearly achieved that here in this one...we love and we wait...
xoxo Taryn
xoxo Taryn
11th Mar 2017 7:08pm
Thank you , dear Taryn, always enjoy your visits. Leaving me with smiles. And yes, we love.....we wait, and love some more...
11th Mar 2017 6:43am
i admire your sublime erotica
but wonder why you got me scored off lady
you could have PM'd me
I would have removed all the lines
inspired by reading you
which created indelible poetry
but wonder why you got me scored off lady
you could have PM'd me
I would have removed all the lines
inspired by reading you
which created indelible poetry
Damn, my Ink Mistress ..
there is no feeling like inspiring that one we kneel for
which brings me back to memories of when.. .
Gosh this is beautifully touching, makes me feel
deeply. I should've been more appreciative then,
but it's too late.
My eyes are horribly streaming. Missed you love
-Howlings.
there is no feeling like inspiring that one we kneel for
which brings me back to memories of when.. .
Gosh this is beautifully touching, makes me feel
deeply. I should've been more appreciative then,
but it's too late.
My eyes are horribly streaming. Missed you love
-Howlings.
14th Mar 2017 3:19am
Missed your beautiful words, Howlings; our memories, we hold them close always. Thank you for the visit, kind lady...
