Fuck it, I'm Numb

I will never get better but I've learned how to deal
Sucking down coffee and vodka to feel
Got off most the drugs and put down the knives
But something keeps telling me to end my fucking life
 
I'm okay in the sadness I'll make it i swear
but lately my default is "I don't fucking care"
about my life or my job I wont shoot for the stars
I'll just shoot at the mirror instead of my arm
 
I ride rails all night long till the pills wear off
It's not fucking healthy but I don't want to stop
Sometimes i can hear myself in the back of my head
"If you take two more hits then you'll finally be dead"
 
I'm selfish and cold but I'll always be here
because I'd rather help you than deal with all of my fears
It took years to get this far and I'm withdrawing back
to the days when there weren't so many cracks in my mask
 
Because I'll never be better but I've learned how to deal
Sucking down cigarettes and whiskey to feel
Got off half the drugs and put down all the knives
But it's three in the morning and I still want to die