Life

I remember being ten, chirpy, outgoing, loving, and, I thought, loved in return.
Playing in the tub, laughing; statement made,
Left crying.
Everyone will leave,
No one will stay.
Unlovable
Unwanted
Not needed.
Impossible to be loved.

Pain, soul deep.
Try to make it go away, too scared
To actually make it go away.
Pain from trying,
Failing to end it.
The words playing in my head
Over
And over.

Desperately seeking adulation.
Someone to soothe the wound and aches.
Anyone to pour all my heart and soul into
Someone who would understand my flaws, love me anyway
Anyone who would stay, prove her wrong.
Abuse, words that cut like knives, wounds on top of bleeding wounds.
The hits and strangulation don't hurt like the words.

Bruises on the outside heal
Not the ones on my soul.
Don't go
Please don't leave,
Even though you hurt me
Deliberately
So coldly.
You said you loved me
That you would stay
You lied.

This isn't passion, still can't find it.
Searching again
Still lies
Men lie.
Scared of men, the strength
Power they wield.
The lies.
Only wanting one thing from me and it's not my ardor.
Found it.
It hurts this time too
Words like slaps.
More deceits, more excuses,
More reasons why it's my fault.
Still impossible to love.

Searching, yearning.
Hankering so badly to love and be loved.
String of bad decisions,
Almost fits,
Trying to jam a puzzle piece, any piece,
Into the last empty space.
More abuse, more harsh words
Cuts, bruises, wounds to my heart and soul.

Wait.
Someone who has been hurt too.
Someone who has been searching too.
Scared like me, frightened to believe that it could be true.
Could it be true?
Is this love? Will he stay?
I don't know. I don't know if my heart
Can handle one more break.
I don't know if my soul can handle one more scar.
My faith and hope tell me to try.
We will see where this one goes.