Thoughts

Found my self staring in to thing air again I was in such deep thought of nothingness, once again thinking about to many things at once & I knew if I kept this up it would really do my head in,
Doing this all on my own I had to do it this way, playing my music loud while I was waiting for the plane “AC/DC Rock n roll train” I can hear a call over the wire nah not my plane yet, Soon enough I will be 30,000ft in the air I looked in the heavens the thick clouds beneath me black and gray I know the weather is going to be shit when I land I  drift in and out of deep thought wondering how it is all going to turn out,
Do I have his eyes? Do I have his smile? Is he bigger than me? Will he think like me? The truth on why he was never around after I was born? The plane lands and in a short time I will met him,
Standing at the bus stop I am shivering from the cold you were right Sis dam cold and I have gooses bumps as well I am feeling sick like I am going to through up not sure if I should even be here it is so windy I cant even think straight, I am sure what I am supposed to feel when I met him I am confused it is pissing down once again,
I take a few deep breaths as the bus is blown all over the road I am feeling that I don’t care if the bus even caught fire and crashed at this point, coming up on Dads town where he lives it is dark and I feel this nothingness feeling again not sure what it is spouses to mean, the bus pulls in and I see him waiting on the seat which is there and there is not another soul in sight, I wonder if he will know that it is me?  I get of the bus and get my bag off,
We make our way to each other we embrace as father and son for the first time 40 years is a long time for this to happen, I asked him did he see me ,Dad said that no he was looking for a man with no hair, we go for a short walk to get a cab back to Dads place we talk about the weather and the plane ride down we get back to his place we sit and talk for hours I found out some things and some bits of the puzzle are put into place,
So much to talk about and so much that I will never find out, some thing is missing or maybe it is 40 years of a father son relationship that is the missing link, you know like first steps to losing the first tooth, first day at school to your first date to give you advice to keep you out of trouble to being at your wedding, We went to Anzac dawn service I was proud to be an Australian that day the flags where blowing in the cold wind I did not complain as our fallen the Anzacs had it a lot harder then that,
I know I could of gone years ago I was just a slack ass but he could of tried to Dad showed my around his town there is a lot of history there to see I spend 3 days in a pokie place watching him being silly with his money and I am not talking 5 bucks either, I got to speak to my great aunty she sounds a lot like Dad! I still feel strange here I can’t put my finger on what it is,
I went to Dads work well he is a volunteer cook at his club he is not to bad either, I met all the old folk there and I met a very special lady her name was Naomi we talked for hours while Dad was working and we talked about a lot of things and at the end of the day I told Dad about her and he told me that she had Cancer and that know one knew when her time would come it broke my heart that such a sweetheart could have this in her and the way she thinks is truly amazing she is the sweetest lady that I had met and I will never forget her as long as I live she was just a beautiful soul,
We watched footy and my team won always wondered if I would see this day father and son watching football together, I laughed so hard when Dad called my big brother and my brother is just funny in that way, Dad has big bothers eyes! He also so has his smile! I am bigger then Dad!
My bigger brother thinks like Dad! The reasons for why he was not around were unclear as he could not remember much of that time! You may ask did I get all the answers I was looking for?
No not really I thought it would all just fall into place once I had got there!  I don’t regret coming to see Dad just wished it was when I was a boy who needed a fathers guidance now I am a man making it on my own spouses it could be worse he could have all ready passed and I would have wondered even more than I do now about who I am and where I came from.