deepundergroundpoetry.com
[ SK ] When Inspiration Knocks
I preferred my sailing ship in a wine bottle
floating aimless to destinations unknown
carried by Fate's wind
at drunken captain's behest
as he yelled to behemoths below
bellowing up through the froth,
Thar she blows!
only to have personally ended up
( far too often )
a sunken wreck in a piss washed gutter
cigarette butt put out in a beach sized ashtray
or
planted face down
in the lawn of a wealthy estate;
owner obviously more talented
ambitious
or
who the fuck knows
perhaps was born into money
If only I
could tap into a rich skein of poetry
woven into the tapestry of our lives
by the seamstress aware of a bigger picture
most of us remain oblivious to ...
... but I'm not that talented
or ambitious
and it's been a long fucking time
since I was even inspired
Being sober has left me tired
in a way that can only be described as
having drained batteries
While here you are
amped up and wired
ready to charge
through the mystery haunting your woods
with only a shovel
and determination never witnessed before
as if you were
possessed
inebriated with mad alien genius
at your writing desk scribbling schematics
for inventions easing everyone's daily burdens
freeing up time enough in the day to actually live!
the lives we've always desired
compelled
to disturb metallic dragons in hibernation
lumbering monstrosities not of this island Earth
slumbering in dreams insidiously vicious
Only this coffer you are unearthing
is filled with empty promises
nothing more to offer for your troubles
And the key to unlocking it?
is being dangled over the jaws of Ahab's whale
eager to swallow Humanity whole
likewise along with your soul
Published 9th Feb 2017
| Edited 27th Oct 2021
Author's Note
inspired by Stephen King's "The Tommyknockers"
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 2
comments 8
reads 802
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
10th Sep 2017 1:04am
Firstly, this poem rocks; totally. I remember reading it when you first posted, but didn't know how to respond. I thought it then, and think it now, an amazingly written piece not really needing editing. I didn't think you'd appreciate an, "AWESOME POEM ( aka I carried a watermelon )!" LOL! [NONSENSE]
How time alters circumstance! 💜
I'm a Lovecraft ( and all things that are alien / science fiction ) fan, so Tommyknockers hit the mark for me ( though I know King himself feels it falls short, being the last one he did before cleaning himself up ). Loved that he took the short story and ran with it.
But, I also seem to remember reading that he'd practically rewritten some old sci-fi movie too? I remember wanting to see that movie . . .but, as with many things, Time seems to have erased the desire. BUCKET LIST! [nonsense] Seriously! We should Google it to watch if you havent! I can't remember the name.
I found the parallels between King's own addictive nature and the central character a bit of an autobio. The ironies in this struck me initially. . .Haven ( as though. . ). . . "Gard" ( as if he was guarded from contamination ). . .your double entendre'd association with Ahab and Jonah ( whether intentionally or not ) was brilliant.
So let's get to the poem:
When Inspiration Knocks . . .
[ GREAT title and reference to both "Gard" and the old poems King references as inspiration. ]
I preferred my sailing ship in a wine bottle
floating aimlessly to destinations unknown
carried by Fate's wind at drunken captain's behest
as he yelled, Thar she blows!
at behemoths below bellowing up
through the froth
only to have personally ended up
( far too often )
a sunken wreck in a piss washed gutter
[ This is an amazing arrangement of stanza that I read and reread, and I honestly can't think of anything to suggest. I did trip over the first line, and had to rewind on . . .
" my sailing ship "
Because I wanted it to read " sailing my ship "; however, after reading it a few times, I realized how amazingly brilliant the ship in a bottle metaphor worked here. Sometimes our teachin' needs disruptin' to expand our imagination from the typical programming of syntax.
This is something you're brilliant at. And I don't even think you try.
Also, do you really need the second "at" preceding "behemoths"? You already have it a few lines up before "drunken". But even if you didn't use it twice, I'm still not sure it's needed.
The alliteration of "b" is divine in L7. And, as per your signature, your consonance rings through the "L" and assonance through the "o". Its literally a lyrical symphony of phonics.
And the half-rhyme. . .again, the magic is in the phonics. ]
put out like cigarette butt in a beach sized ashtray
or
planted face down in the lawn of a wealthy estate
whose owner was obviously more talented
or ambitious or
who the fuck knows
perhaps was born into the money
[ That first couplet is amazing. The consonance of the "t", how the consonance if the "s" picks up the "c" in cigarette. Just the metaphor itself provides excellent imagery.
Do you really want to use "like" vs "as"? to
pick up on the "a" assonance / alliteration? 😋
Down, lawn, own, more, knows, born, weave through the entire stanza; a slip knot of commonality. The open ending providing the imagination to expand, or experience associate to anyone having gotten drunk enough for blackouts and psychotic episodes.
Do you really need both or's in
or ambitious or
And how about the double "was"? Do you really need the second? ]
If only I
could tap into a rich skein of poetry
woven into the tapestry of our lives
by the seamstress aware of the bigger picture
most of us remain oblivious to ...
[ rich skein of poetry is about as divine an imagery as a poet could want. The triple use of "of" And "the" disturbs me somewhat, but I've read it half a dozen times and can't suggest how to revise it without losing key phonical flow.
What do you suggest?
tap. . poetry . . . tapestry . . . picture. . . oblivious. . .( yes; the b falls right in line phinically ) just rolls off the tongue when reading aloud.
Interwoven alliteration and consonance. 💕 ]
... but I'm not that talented
or ambitious
and it's been a long fucking time
since I was even inspired
[ talented / time
ambitious/ inspired
See how the consonance of your s combined with the alliteration if t? I live the t sound in ambitious falls in line with the s consonance.
This stanza, to me, is the epitome of addiction or medication killing and / or blocking inspiration. Be it alcohol or pills. ]
Being sober has left me tired
in a way that can only be described as
having drained batteries
[ ! And in saying that! LOL! But that's how addiction works. It drains you of vital energy to create. This provides an alternate look at the flip side of addiction.
This is a more straight forward stanza, and yet, the simplicity of language prevails. The assonance of the a, i & e, and the consonance of s . . .topped with the alliteration of b makes it sing. It's the difference in saying something, and saying something poetically. ]
While here you are
amped up and wired
ready to [ go ] charge [ ing ]
through the mystery [ of what ] haunt[s]ing your woods
with only a shovel
and [ a ] determination I've never witnessed before
as if you were
possessed
[ I have to be so very careful with suggested revisions because of the lyrical quality of your work. One removal can affect the entire poem like a missing note in a musical compisition; how3ver, I believe I tightened it up a bit by removing some extraneous wordage, changing a few tenses, without losing the flow.
This stanza depicts King's desire to write without the crutch of addiction. How he observes the world and those in it seemingly inspired by what almost seems false circumstances vs Truth. ]
inebriated with mad alien genius
at your writing desk scribbling schematics
for inventions easing everyone's daily burdens
freeing up time enough in the day to actually live!
the lives we've always desired
[ This is observation at its peak. As though you're the only sane person in the midst of insanity. I almost wanted to change with in L1 to on; however, realized it would affect the assonance of I and alliteration of w in writing. See? Your poetry is like a game of chess . . . you have to read ahead before you change a thing. Or Jingko!
inebriated and in is lovely.
I enjoyed the inference to the inventions in this verse. Neither of which had rhyme nor reason of comprehension to them.
Creepy ]
compelled
to disturb metallic dragons in hibernation
lumbering monstrosities not of this island Earth
slumbering in dreams insidiously vicious
[ metallic dragons . . . slumbering in the treasure cave of the earth. Beautiful imagery there. This verse unfurls as a serpent's tongue. ]
Only this coffer you are unearthing
is filled with empty promises
nothing more to offer for your troubles
And the key to unlocking it?
is being dangled over the jaws of Ahab's whale
eager to swallow Humanity whole
likewise along with your soul
[ BRAVO! The return to the opening metaphor! I honestly read this so many times and had a standing ovation in my mind each time. It brings the entire verse full circle.from a literary and poetic perspectuve.
Humanity cap noted.💜
This is such a great poem, Capt'n. I barely found anything I'd suggest other than what's noted. It's an excellent addition to the book!
Can't wait!
How time alters circumstance! 💜
I'm a Lovecraft ( and all things that are alien / science fiction ) fan, so Tommyknockers hit the mark for me ( though I know King himself feels it falls short, being the last one he did before cleaning himself up ). Loved that he took the short story and ran with it.
But, I also seem to remember reading that he'd practically rewritten some old sci-fi movie too? I remember wanting to see that movie . . .but, as with many things, Time seems to have erased the desire. BUCKET LIST! [nonsense] Seriously! We should Google it to watch if you havent! I can't remember the name.
I found the parallels between King's own addictive nature and the central character a bit of an autobio. The ironies in this struck me initially. . .Haven ( as though. . ). . . "Gard" ( as if he was guarded from contamination ). . .your double entendre'd association with Ahab and Jonah ( whether intentionally or not ) was brilliant.
So let's get to the poem:
When Inspiration Knocks . . .
[ GREAT title and reference to both "Gard" and the old poems King references as inspiration. ]
I preferred my sailing ship in a wine bottle
floating aimlessly to destinations unknown
carried by Fate's wind at drunken captain's behest
as he yelled, Thar she blows!
at behemoths below bellowing up
through the froth
only to have personally ended up
( far too often )
a sunken wreck in a piss washed gutter
[ This is an amazing arrangement of stanza that I read and reread, and I honestly can't think of anything to suggest. I did trip over the first line, and had to rewind on . . .
" my sailing ship "
Because I wanted it to read " sailing my ship "; however, after reading it a few times, I realized how amazingly brilliant the ship in a bottle metaphor worked here. Sometimes our teachin' needs disruptin' to expand our imagination from the typical programming of syntax.
This is something you're brilliant at. And I don't even think you try.
Also, do you really need the second "at" preceding "behemoths"? You already have it a few lines up before "drunken". But even if you didn't use it twice, I'm still not sure it's needed.
The alliteration of "b" is divine in L7. And, as per your signature, your consonance rings through the "L" and assonance through the "o". Its literally a lyrical symphony of phonics.
And the half-rhyme. . .again, the magic is in the phonics. ]
put out like cigarette butt in a beach sized ashtray
or
planted face down in the lawn of a wealthy estate
whose owner was obviously more talented
or ambitious or
who the fuck knows
perhaps was born into the money
[ That first couplet is amazing. The consonance of the "t", how the consonance if the "s" picks up the "c" in cigarette. Just the metaphor itself provides excellent imagery.
Do you really want to use "like" vs "as"? to
pick up on the "a" assonance / alliteration? 😋
Down, lawn, own, more, knows, born, weave through the entire stanza; a slip knot of commonality. The open ending providing the imagination to expand, or experience associate to anyone having gotten drunk enough for blackouts and psychotic episodes.
Do you really need both or's in
or ambitious or
And how about the double "was"? Do you really need the second? ]
If only I
could tap into a rich skein of poetry
woven into the tapestry of our lives
by the seamstress aware of the bigger picture
most of us remain oblivious to ...
[ rich skein of poetry is about as divine an imagery as a poet could want. The triple use of "of" And "the" disturbs me somewhat, but I've read it half a dozen times and can't suggest how to revise it without losing key phonical flow.
What do you suggest?
tap. . poetry . . . tapestry . . . picture. . . oblivious. . .( yes; the b falls right in line phinically ) just rolls off the tongue when reading aloud.
Interwoven alliteration and consonance. 💕 ]
... but I'm not that talented
or ambitious
and it's been a long fucking time
since I was even inspired
[ talented / time
ambitious/ inspired
See how the consonance of your s combined with the alliteration if t? I live the t sound in ambitious falls in line with the s consonance.
This stanza, to me, is the epitome of addiction or medication killing and / or blocking inspiration. Be it alcohol or pills. ]
Being sober has left me tired
in a way that can only be described as
having drained batteries
[ ! And in saying that! LOL! But that's how addiction works. It drains you of vital energy to create. This provides an alternate look at the flip side of addiction.
This is a more straight forward stanza, and yet, the simplicity of language prevails. The assonance of the a, i & e, and the consonance of s . . .topped with the alliteration of b makes it sing. It's the difference in saying something, and saying something poetically. ]
While here you are
amped up and wired
ready to [ go ] charge [ ing ]
through the mystery [ of what ] haunt[s]ing your woods
with only a shovel
and [ a ] determination I've never witnessed before
as if you were
possessed
[ I have to be so very careful with suggested revisions because of the lyrical quality of your work. One removal can affect the entire poem like a missing note in a musical compisition; how3ver, I believe I tightened it up a bit by removing some extraneous wordage, changing a few tenses, without losing the flow.
This stanza depicts King's desire to write without the crutch of addiction. How he observes the world and those in it seemingly inspired by what almost seems false circumstances vs Truth. ]
inebriated with mad alien genius
at your writing desk scribbling schematics
for inventions easing everyone's daily burdens
freeing up time enough in the day to actually live!
the lives we've always desired
[ This is observation at its peak. As though you're the only sane person in the midst of insanity. I almost wanted to change with in L1 to on; however, realized it would affect the assonance of I and alliteration of w in writing. See? Your poetry is like a game of chess . . . you have to read ahead before you change a thing. Or Jingko!
inebriated and in is lovely.
I enjoyed the inference to the inventions in this verse. Neither of which had rhyme nor reason of comprehension to them.
Creepy ]
compelled
to disturb metallic dragons in hibernation
lumbering monstrosities not of this island Earth
slumbering in dreams insidiously vicious
[ metallic dragons . . . slumbering in the treasure cave of the earth. Beautiful imagery there. This verse unfurls as a serpent's tongue. ]
Only this coffer you are unearthing
is filled with empty promises
nothing more to offer for your troubles
And the key to unlocking it?
is being dangled over the jaws of Ahab's whale
eager to swallow Humanity whole
likewise along with your soul
[ BRAVO! The return to the opening metaphor! I honestly read this so many times and had a standing ovation in my mind each time. It brings the entire verse full circle.from a literary and poetic perspectuve.
Humanity cap noted.💜
This is such a great poem, Capt'n. I barely found anything I'd suggest other than what's noted. It's an excellent addition to the book!
Can't wait!
OMG what an uberly comprehensive critique!
It never ceases to amaze me how deeply you dig into a poem.
I don't recall it being a rewrite of an old movie, but I was sure as hell disappointed with how the "Under The Dome" TV series ripped off the Tommyknockers ..... even going so far as to cast Marg Helgenburger.
The Ahab reference was intentional in regards to addiction, but unintentional in the sense that it was a happy accident that tied the end to the beginning. It just happened and I was like Whoa!
Could that 2nd "at" be replaced with "to" before behemoths? Or could a space for pause be placed here like so:
"I preferred my sailing ship in a wine bottle floating aimlessly to destinations unknown carried by Fate's wind at drunken captain's behest as he yelled, Thar she blows!
Behemoths below bellowing up through the froth"
You pointed out one of my greatest peaves - the dreaded "like" ! I will definitely go with "as" as suggested.
The extra "or" and "was" aren't necessary; more indicative of the narrator rambling. I won't miss them in the revision.
"If only I could tap into a rich skein of poetry woven into the tapestry of our lives by the seamstress aware of the bigger picture most of us remain oblivious to ..."
I'll experiment with the above and report back here. "rich skein of ......" is one of my truly poetic moments that I wish came far more often, as I am not the wordsmith you are!
As a sci fi fan, I hope you enjoyed the reference to "This Island Earth" ( though I've never seen the movie myself ).
Tomorrow I shall work in your suggested edits and contemplate the other potential edits you pointed out.
Again ...... AWESOME job critiquing this, worth reading several times in itself.
XO
It never ceases to amaze me how deeply you dig into a poem.
I don't recall it being a rewrite of an old movie, but I was sure as hell disappointed with how the "Under The Dome" TV series ripped off the Tommyknockers ..... even going so far as to cast Marg Helgenburger.
The Ahab reference was intentional in regards to addiction, but unintentional in the sense that it was a happy accident that tied the end to the beginning. It just happened and I was like Whoa!
Could that 2nd "at" be replaced with "to" before behemoths? Or could a space for pause be placed here like so:
"I preferred my sailing ship in a wine bottle floating aimlessly to destinations unknown carried by Fate's wind at drunken captain's behest as he yelled, Thar she blows!
Behemoths below bellowing up through the froth"
You pointed out one of my greatest peaves - the dreaded "like" ! I will definitely go with "as" as suggested.
The extra "or" and "was" aren't necessary; more indicative of the narrator rambling. I won't miss them in the revision.
"If only I could tap into a rich skein of poetry woven into the tapestry of our lives by the seamstress aware of the bigger picture most of us remain oblivious to ..."
I'll experiment with the above and report back here. "rich skein of ......" is one of my truly poetic moments that I wish came far more often, as I am not the wordsmith you are!
As a sci fi fan, I hope you enjoyed the reference to "This Island Earth" ( though I've never seen the movie myself ).
Tomorrow I shall work in your suggested edits and contemplate the other potential edits you pointed out.
Again ...... AWESOME job critiquing this, worth reading several times in itself.
XO
Poetry is kind to you when fondled! It reveals stuff! [nonsense]
I'm glad I could help. Though it honestly didn't need much! I was shocked to see "like" in one of your poems!
Can't wait to see the revisions! 💜
I'm glad I could help. Though it honestly didn't need much! I was shocked to see "like" in one of your poems!
Can't wait to see the revisions! 💜
10th Sep 2017 2:11am
p.s. - I'm almost positive I read there was an old movie!!! Let's research! XO! Bucket List!
10th Sep 2017 2:14am
OMG I know! What was I thinking? LOL Maybe I could get away with it because I hardly ever use it????? [nonsense]
10th Sep 2017 2:16am
"While here you are
amped up and wired
ready to [ go ] charge [ ing ]
through the mystery [ of what ] haunt[s]ing your woods
with only a shovel
and [ a ] determination I've never witnessed before
as if you were
possessed
[ I have to be so very careful with suggested revisions because of the lyrical quality of your work. One removal can affect the entire poem like a missing note in a musical compisition; how3ver, I believe I tightened it up a bit by removing some extraneous wordage, changing a few tenses, without losing the flow.
This stanza depicts King's desire to write without the crutch of addiction. How he observes the world and those in it seemingly inspired by what almost seems false circumstances vs Truth. ]"
THIS is where you excel as a writer: that efficiency with wording that even escapes me at times.
amped up and wired
ready to [ go ] charge [ ing ]
through the mystery [ of what ] haunt[s]ing your woods
with only a shovel
and [ a ] determination I've never witnessed before
as if you were
possessed
[ I have to be so very careful with suggested revisions because of the lyrical quality of your work. One removal can affect the entire poem like a missing note in a musical compisition; how3ver, I believe I tightened it up a bit by removing some extraneous wordage, changing a few tenses, without losing the flow.
This stanza depicts King's desire to write without the crutch of addiction. How he observes the world and those in it seemingly inspired by what almost seems false circumstances vs Truth. ]"
THIS is where you excel as a writer: that efficiency with wording that even escapes me at times.
10th Sep 2017 12:55pm
