deepundergroundpoetry.com
Harbor my darkness
With heavy lids and heavy heart, I grow weary.
But sleep won't calm my rebel spirit
and in my naivety, I run away.
I hide from mordant specters with baited breath,
the quickening of my straining heart thunderous.
I am not willing to dream and unworthy of the sun,
It is much too beautiful for the wickedness I've held.
The pressure builds ominously and keeps me paralyzed,
rapes my mind with hideous intent of all that's good and pure.
I've come too far to let it have me; I refuse.
When I flee, your arms are my harbor and I, a refugee of
bleak torment. Will you hold me tightly in the abandoned
corners of my thoughts where cobwebs grow and nightmares sleep?
My body grows cold behind iron bars
and I must be kept warm with lover's flame.
The revenants of my past keep me captive,
but of your deepest kiss they become
drifting ash and your tongue; your magnificent tongue,
becomes my valorous savior.
But sleep won't calm my rebel spirit
and in my naivety, I run away.
I hide from mordant specters with baited breath,
the quickening of my straining heart thunderous.
I am not willing to dream and unworthy of the sun,
It is much too beautiful for the wickedness I've held.
The pressure builds ominously and keeps me paralyzed,
rapes my mind with hideous intent of all that's good and pure.
I've come too far to let it have me; I refuse.
When I flee, your arms are my harbor and I, a refugee of
bleak torment. Will you hold me tightly in the abandoned
corners of my thoughts where cobwebs grow and nightmares sleep?
My body grows cold behind iron bars
and I must be kept warm with lover's flame.
The revenants of my past keep me captive,
but of your deepest kiss they become
drifting ash and your tongue; your magnificent tongue,
becomes my valorous savior.
Published 11th Jan 2017
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likes 14
reading list entries 2
comments 24
reads 920
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
11th Jan 2017 3:16am
11th Jan 2017 3:18am
A couple of grammar things first: "hideous" should only have one "d" and "you're arms" should be "your arms". Quite a bit of this poem felt like cliched romance stuff, but the material is imbued with flashes of your genuine talent and gift for linguistic expression. "... the abandoned/corners of my thoughts where cobwebs grow and nightmares sleep" is an especially evocative line, even if it does fit in with the cliched melodrama of the poem as a whole.
My suggestion for improving the poem is to make the characters and settings more defined; use your imagination to create a 3-dimensional space and motivations for the characters to work with. Tell a story, in other words. As it is, the stream-of-consciousness style, when stripped of all connection to an external space, outside the self, serves only to distance the reader from the action and undermine the poem's memorability. This is all JMHO, of course, so take it with a pinch of salt, and know that I bother to give critique this detailed because I think you're smart, and self-aware, enough to take criticism and benefit from it. Thank you for the read. xxx
My suggestion for improving the poem is to make the characters and settings more defined; use your imagination to create a 3-dimensional space and motivations for the characters to work with. Tell a story, in other words. As it is, the stream-of-consciousness style, when stripped of all connection to an external space, outside the self, serves only to distance the reader from the action and undermine the poem's memorability. This is all JMHO, of course, so take it with a pinch of salt, and know that I bother to give critique this detailed because I think you're smart, and self-aware, enough to take criticism and benefit from it. Thank you for the read. xxx
11th Jan 2017 5:14am
You give some amazing advice and I'm always thankful for the helpful input.
I take it as a compliment, of course, as any writer who is hoping to improve their abilities should.
So thank you, for the read, and the comment...
I take it as a compliment, of course, as any writer who is hoping to improve their abilities should.
So thank you, for the read, and the comment...
11th Jan 2017 4:09am
11th Jan 2017 5:14am
11th Jan 2017 5:56am
"Will you hold me tightly in the abandoned
corners of my thoughts where cobwebs grow and nightmares sleep?"
Love this poem, but these lines really stood out for me, the wording/imagery is stunning!
I also love the repetition of tongue, it makes a real strong ending!
Great write, Kasai
corners of my thoughts where cobwebs grow and nightmares sleep?"
Love this poem, but these lines really stood out for me, the wording/imagery is stunning!
I also love the repetition of tongue, it makes a real strong ending!
Great write, Kasai
11th Jan 2017 9:17pm
Thank you for sharing your amazing comment with me, Duende, I look forward to your kind visits and thoughts...
11th Jan 2017 6:10am
When all feels dark for me, my loved ones are who pull me back. Really enjoyed this write 😁
11th Jan 2017 9:16pm
I agree completely, sometimes they are all we have to give us
strength in dark times. Thanks for enjoying...
strength in dark times. Thanks for enjoying...
11th Jan 2017 9:28am
wicked & desperate, for the flames of a copse of candles
to replace a lost sun; the darkness harbors.
stream of consciousness, yes,
the ethereal aspect is manifested...
to replace a lost sun; the darkness harbors.
stream of consciousness, yes,
the ethereal aspect is manifested...
11th Jan 2017 9:57am
Ah, yes, stream of consciousness. Indeed it is, John.
You've seen my words perfectly.
Thank you for such a breathtaking comment,
It's very sweet of you...
You've seen my words perfectly.
Thank you for such a breathtaking comment,
It's very sweet of you...
11th Jan 2017 7:08pm
It truly is in his kiss...Kasai
Beautifully encaptured release of emotional desire.
Beautifully encaptured release of emotional desire.
11th Jan 2017 9:19pm
Anonymous
11th Jan 2017 11:50pm
Kasai, a beautiful write as always, achingly so and these lines here are the very telling ones to me...within a prison of want...I could be wrong of course but I suppose that's the beauty of each's individual interpretation.
"My body grows cold behind iron bars
and I must be kept warm with lover's flame."
Xoxo Taryn
"My body grows cold behind iron bars
and I must be kept warm with lover's flame."
Xoxo Taryn
12th Jan 2017 4:37am
So very true, Taryn, a prison of want, a dark place that only loved ones can pull us from.
Thank you, sweet lady, for feeling the depth of my words...
Thank you, sweet lady, for feeling the depth of my words...
12th Jan 2017 2:35am
I like how you combine love and erotic imagery into one poem so subtly and tastefully, it's a nice style reminiscent of classic erotic poetry......
12th Jan 2017 4:39am
13th Jan 2017 3:42am
Anonymous
14th Jan 2017 00:13am
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14th Jan 2017 00:55am
14th Jan 2017 9:03am
its so beautiful...
''The revenants of my past keep me captive'' i relate to this in a much deeper sense than im willing to admit
''The revenants of my past keep me captive'' i relate to this in a much deeper sense than im willing to admit
14th Jan 2017 9:28am
