deepundergroundpoetry.com
A Rose Without Thorns
If only
if only
the tryst of your memory
could be freed
by December's
cold light
If only your faults
hadn't faded before me
your flaws and our failures
forsaken forever
to be hopelessly buried
from sight
If only, if only
all my memories
stayed whole
but the bad years
grew wings
and took flight
Time tore up
your madness
to nourish my soul
and now my loneliness
can't sleep
at night
Published 8th Dec 2016
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
8th Dec 2016 5:28pm
This is beautifully done, Abra. It's the type of poetry that sinks into experience and floats it to the surface as a reminder.
One thing, since you have requested honest critique - I'm not really sure the 'at night' is needed - seems a bit redundant, in that the majority sleep at night. While it does differentiate between night and day (and there may be a personal reason I am unaware of that you ended it with such), I feel it's unnecessary. 'can't sleep' took me in; 'at night' was an anticlimax.
One thing, since you have requested honest critique - I'm not really sure the 'at night' is needed - seems a bit redundant, in that the majority sleep at night. While it does differentiate between night and day (and there may be a personal reason I am unaware of that you ended it with such), I feel it's unnecessary. 'can't sleep' took me in; 'at night' was an anticlimax.
8th Dec 2016 6:18pm
Night's only really needed by the whores of rhyme, A.
Line breaks on both 'cant sleep' and 'at night' help to put the other type of brakes on tho' -- slowing things down as I'm syllables short on the previous two stanzas.
I tinkered with a single line ending for can't sleep at night so I'm just cheating to keep everything in sixes.
Your lovely comments and feedback always much appreciated.
Best ~ Abra
Line breaks on both 'cant sleep' and 'at night' help to put the other type of brakes on tho' -- slowing things down as I'm syllables short on the previous two stanzas.
I tinkered with a single line ending for can't sleep at night so I'm just cheating to keep everything in sixes.
Your lovely comments and feedback always much appreciated.
Best ~ Abra
