What diseased am I?

 
Spotting oddness  
in the world around her;
 
Sitting awkwardly  
with knotted hands in lap
Watching people laughing;
Chatting with ease
Looking comfortable  
Whilst she's feeling diseased
Feeling alone, out of place
and afraid.
 
Thinking
'Why do they all look the same?'
Perfect posture  
Faceless, with no trace of pain
'Nothing like me'
 
 
Eyes darting  
from one mouth to another  
Wishing to join the conversation
Course she didn't know how
'What can I say?'
'When do I cut in...now?'
'What if they ignore me?'
Hands shaking
Heart beating  
Thoughts fleeting  
 
Rehearsing  
Various small talk scenarios  
In her head and giving up
She decides to order a drink
Thinking
'This will make me confident'  
'Which wine madam?'  
Feeling her stomach sink  
'Erm pink?'
 
 
Trying not to trip
Walking back to her seat  
She relives the embarrassment  
In her head  
Taking a sip  
wishing she were dead
 
After a couple more gulps
She's feeling a little relieved
The people are nice to her
Not like she'd perceived  
Sandra has two children  
but still likes to party
And as for Marty well  
he is just Marty
Everyone seems nice
 
Party in full swing
Feeling giddy with excitement  
She drinks several more drinks
'I like this feeling'  
'They like me now'
'My heart no longer sinks'
Dancing  
Laughing
Talking loudly
 
 
She wakes the next morning   
filled with guilt, dread and fear  
Memories flooding back  
like poison to her mind
 
'You stupid cow!'
'What have you done?'  
'What will people think?'
 
Brimful with mental agony and pain
She doesn't want to see anyone
or leave the house again...