deepundergroundpoetry.com
while she's dreaming
cotton drapes
her naked skin
caressing
folded
calves
wrapping ankles
covering breasts
flowing over
erect nipples
massaging
aromatheraputic
potions
pouring from
tightly
covered
inner thighs
my eyes
fixate on
sleeping
shoulders
wrapped tightly
like ribbons
spiraling
collar bones;
her chin
peering out at
midnight-silences
pillows kiss
rosie cheeks
and closed lids
in fantasia's
fairy dreams
I confess
to staring
with jealous
eyes
focussed
on her
bedsheets
-x-
Written by
RevolutionAL
(Alistair Plint)
Published 12th Nov 2016
| Edited 13th Nov 2016
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 9
reading list entries 0
comments 15
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Re. while she lay, dreaming
12th Nov 2016 1:09pm
vision of beauty & lust in the slumbering night;
inner peace & disturbance...
inner peace & disturbance...
1
Re: Re. while she lay, dreaming
12th Nov 2016 8:30pm
Hey hey John
Thanks gor the words there.
Your comment encapsulates this experience for me. Thank you so much
Blue Skies @ you
Al ;)
Thanks gor the words there.
Your comment encapsulates this experience for me. Thank you so much
Blue Skies @ you
Al ;)
Re. while she lay, dreaming
How're you doin'
I like it, couple of things which struck me.
dunno whether whistfully fits in that line, could easily be interpreted as whistfully feeling breasts ..which sounds wrong
( unless you whistfully feel breasts, in which case I apologize for my earlier comment about it sounding wrong ...go you! )
technical side:
fair amount of tense clash woven through it. can be hard enough to keep a poem in one tense, but the title of ypur poem indicates past tense and the poem switches to present every other line.
I thought " covered duck feathers" to be a bit < less than. I get you're looking for a way to say pillow or duvet but both those words evoke a better image than the three used (imo)
anyhow, decent up-beat poem. ending is good, tiny bit abrupt maybe compared to the rest of the poem, but quirky
good stuff, man
I like it, couple of things which struck me.
dunno whether whistfully fits in that line, could easily be interpreted as whistfully feeling breasts ..which sounds wrong
( unless you whistfully feel breasts, in which case I apologize for my earlier comment about it sounding wrong ...go you! )
technical side:
fair amount of tense clash woven through it. can be hard enough to keep a poem in one tense, but the title of ypur poem indicates past tense and the poem switches to present every other line.
I thought " covered duck feathers" to be a bit < less than. I get you're looking for a way to say pillow or duvet but both those words evoke a better image than the three used (imo)
anyhow, decent up-beat poem. ending is good, tiny bit abrupt maybe compared to the rest of the poem, but quirky
good stuff, man
2
Re: Re. while she lay, dreaming
12th Nov 2016 8:17pm
Hey hey!
Missed ja 'round these parts, extremely grateful for the valid & considered critique
what a blessing. Thank you sir!
I saw the issue regarding tenses after you brought it up. Surprised me no end that I hadn't picked it up in the read throughs. Wanted to throw petrol at it after that. I tried "...she lies, dreaming" - I dunno, that word "lies" and me, we just never got along.
Three or four tries on tense edits, shoulda cut it. But if you see any lingering there please shout it out.
Aah that "wistfully" word. Yeah it sucked. Especially spelt so badly. My esteemed colleague bellow will have to knock it off, as a Sat afternoon thing. ;)
funny I started at "pillows" and then threw it. But yeah on hind sight it was the rest the rest of the stanza that shook... Cleaning that up made the "pillow" stay. Thank goodness.
Cleaned up the end, it's less abrupt. But the concept of it, holds onto a little abrupt"ness" somehow.
Damn fine eyes and comments there Craic, I really appreciate your time and dedication to it. Thank you so very much.
Oi, did you know that coffee is an aphrodisiac? I didn't have a clue?
Thank you so very much
Blue Skies & Happy smiles @you
Al ;)
Missed ja 'round these parts, extremely grateful for the valid & considered critique
what a blessing. Thank you sir!
I saw the issue regarding tenses after you brought it up. Surprised me no end that I hadn't picked it up in the read throughs. Wanted to throw petrol at it after that. I tried "...she lies, dreaming" - I dunno, that word "lies" and me, we just never got along.
Three or four tries on tense edits, shoulda cut it. But if you see any lingering there please shout it out.
Aah that "wistfully" word. Yeah it sucked. Especially spelt so badly. My esteemed colleague bellow will have to knock it off, as a Sat afternoon thing. ;)
funny I started at "pillows" and then threw it. But yeah on hind sight it was the rest the rest of the stanza that shook... Cleaning that up made the "pillow" stay. Thank goodness.
Cleaned up the end, it's less abrupt. But the concept of it, holds onto a little abrupt"ness" somehow.
Damn fine eyes and comments there Craic, I really appreciate your time and dedication to it. Thank you so very much.
Oi, did you know that coffee is an aphrodisiac? I didn't have a clue?
Thank you so very much
Blue Skies & Happy smiles @you
Al ;)
Re. while she lay, dreaming
Anonymous
- Edited 12th Nov 2016 4:31pm
12th Nov 2016 4:24pm
(I dunno, Lepp. Whistfully feeling breasts sounds like a good way to spend a Saturday afternoon... hashtag just sayin'.)
I think Craic has picked up on most of the technical points, so rather than flog a dead horse, I'll just say what I enjoyed about this write (though I do largely agree with the duck-feathers line - pillows probably would work better here)
There's something magical about the bed space. Even when the person in question is not in it - whether they are at work, travelling away, or even in another country, that's where a person's spirit lingers strongest. Those sheets hold everything, all of a person's dreams, all of their sexual energy, all of the energy of love; it's a true space of existence.
The idea of learning something new from fresh covers is gorgeous in it's metaphor; a second skin almost. It implies that there is always something to be learned from that space. You're right there... I'm sure the woman you write of would enjoy the thought of her bed sheets being written about so considerately.
I'm a fan of this gentler side in your writes.
Gorgeous stuff, clown man. Thank you for the read.
I think Craic has picked up on most of the technical points, so rather than flog a dead horse, I'll just say what I enjoyed about this write (though I do largely agree with the duck-feathers line - pillows probably would work better here)
There's something magical about the bed space. Even when the person in question is not in it - whether they are at work, travelling away, or even in another country, that's where a person's spirit lingers strongest. Those sheets hold everything, all of a person's dreams, all of their sexual energy, all of the energy of love; it's a true space of existence.
The idea of learning something new from fresh covers is gorgeous in it's metaphor; a second skin almost. It implies that there is always something to be learned from that space. You're right there... I'm sure the woman you write of would enjoy the thought of her bed sheets being written about so considerately.
I'm a fan of this gentler side in your writes.
Gorgeous stuff, clown man. Thank you for the read.
1
Re. while she's dreaming
12th Nov 2016 8:28pm
Yeah Missy Miss
You know the Craic up the top there? He's amaze balls when it comes to good people. Tidied the shakes up a bit. I'm sure you can see why shakes would exist here.
I hope that woman apreciates jealousy admitted. Many woman would run from the word jealousy. Anyhoos, thanks a mill for the comments and love you threw at it.
Fortunately after the petrol, I couldn't find a lighter
Very grateful that you like this.
Much love & blue skies at ja!
Clown Man
-x-
You know the Craic up the top there? He's amaze balls when it comes to good people. Tidied the shakes up a bit. I'm sure you can see why shakes would exist here.
I hope that woman apreciates jealousy admitted. Many woman would run from the word jealousy. Anyhoos, thanks a mill for the comments and love you threw at it.
Fortunately after the petrol, I couldn't find a lighter
Very grateful that you like this.
Much love & blue skies at ja!
Clown Man
-x-
Re. while she's dreaming
Al, I can visualize so well this sensual scene. It's hard not to be somewhat awestruck by the beauty of the female body. Bravo sir!
1
Re: Re. while she's dreaming
13th Nov 2016 9:58am
aah the wordshipping one!
How truthful a comment. I can't think of anything more pleasing to the eyes.
I envisage a few instalments on the topic. We're gonna have to make some artistic value partially represent the girl.
Thanks for popping in mate
Blue Skies @you
Al-x-
How truthful a comment. I can't think of anything more pleasing to the eyes.
I envisage a few instalments on the topic. We're gonna have to make some artistic value partially represent the girl.
Thanks for popping in mate
Blue Skies @you
Al-x-
Re. while she's dreaming
13th Nov 2016 2:12am
Real nice, vivid imagery here. What I'm curious about it, the spacing between cotton and bedsheets. The way I'm reading it, it might sound more appropriate if there was a confluence between cotton and bedsheets...Or, maybe I'm not getting the proper point of the spacing there. Nice work though man.
1
Re: Re. while she's dreaming
13th Nov 2016 10:02am
Hey Mr Chaotic
Thank you for lending your voice on the help out there. Extremely good of you mate. Big respect at you for it.
Initially I was almost in a whisper in the read and kinda read the end almost breathlessly. But on the edit. I agree with you... It reads much more comfortably that way round. Much gratitude at you
Blue Skies at you
Al
Thank you for lending your voice on the help out there. Extremely good of you mate. Big respect at you for it.
Initially I was almost in a whisper in the read and kinda read the end almost breathlessly. But on the edit. I agree with you... It reads much more comfortably that way round. Much gratitude at you
Blue Skies at you
Al
Re: Re. while she's dreaming
13th Nov 2016 3:43pm
Re. while she's dreaming
13th Nov 2016 6:27pm
This is lovely! So beautifully written that I felt a bit like a voyeur reading it. ☺
Willow
Willow
1
Re: Re. while she's dreaming
Thank you for your lovely comment my friend.
I think you'll see a few more on this topic from me. The concept of loving someone so very much, that you could be jealous of their sheets, just fascinates me. No end.
Blue skies at you
Al-x-
I think you'll see a few more on this topic from me. The concept of loving someone so very much, that you could be jealous of their sheets, just fascinates me. No end.
Blue skies at you
Al-x-
Re: Re. while she's dreaming
13th Nov 2016 7:13pm
I understand the sentiment. It's fascinated me too, but I've always been too embarrassed to admit it. ☺
1
Re. while she's dreaming
I'm so damn jealous of this piece, ugh!
Hiya hun, loongg squeezes, I need
them so I am stealing from you ;)
Always feeding us daring beautiful
details, that are just heart and mind
clenchers.. creating us as wishful blooms
setting sail on your airs..
Simple and fulfilling
-Howlings
Hiya hun, loongg squeezes, I need
them so I am stealing from you ;)
Always feeding us daring beautiful
details, that are just heart and mind
clenchers.. creating us as wishful blooms
setting sail on your airs..
Simple and fulfilling
-Howlings
0