The 5 Minute Warning

Unscrew all your doors
Make a tepee shelter
Build it under the stairs
Get enough canned goods
To last at least two weeks
Remember the can opener
You probably will need it
Cutlery is frankly optional
If you don’t have the time
To build your stair shelter
Wrap yourself tightly in a rug
And lie flat in your bathtub
If you are caught out in the open
Lie as flat as you can
And hold on to something
Something solid of course
Do not roll into a ball
Balls can be blown away
Stay away from the windows
Do not stare at the flash
If you are in any doubt
Paint your windows white
To protect you from the flash
Being in your stair shelter
Being in your bathtub
Will protect you from the blast
Wait for at least 24 hours
Before emerging from your set
To avoid radiation sickness
Cover your mouth with a mask
Or alternatively a scarf
Stay within your community
And wait for help to come
This Government advice
On surviving the nuclear holocaust
Is only for viewers in
England, Wales and Northern Ireland
Viewers in Scotland
Will not survive
Due to target proximity
It is suggested that Scots
Should walk towards the blast
Arms open wide as if
To hug a close friend