deepundergroundpoetry.com
Where now ?
Slate quarries ring with hammers and shovels
tiles needed again to shield against dark clouds,
roofless buildings open to winds blowing ceaseless
playing cruel duets, barrels fall from spinning planes,
futility and arrogance,noises prevent God (if there be)
to be heard, message as old as the tiles now
clattering in the streets,roof beams burning, bent
steel to be thrown into another fire, to be moulded,
but into what?
tiles needed again to shield against dark clouds,
roofless buildings open to winds blowing ceaseless
playing cruel duets, barrels fall from spinning planes,
futility and arrogance,noises prevent God (if there be)
to be heard, message as old as the tiles now
clattering in the streets,roof beams burning, bent
steel to be thrown into another fire, to be moulded,
but into what?
Published 12th Oct 2016
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The author encourages honest critique.
12th Oct 2016 11:14pm
Really like it, extremely animating words. Im maybe not reading in the same rhytm as you intended, but the commas and such feels a bit out of place sometimes. Care to take a look at it? Not generally good at rhytm, though i tend to notice when reading others poems.
12th Oct 2016 11:29pm
Punctuation a difficult subject. Reading a poem is as problematic as composing. There is much to recommend no punctuation thus allowing the reader to solve the problem. I wrote this poem and another 'Memory' within an hour . . . . . .the next two hours editing the punctuation.
I am delighted you have taken the trouble to discuss this with me Thank you. IntotheVoid.
I am delighted you have taken the trouble to discuss this with me Thank you. IntotheVoid.
