deepundergroundpoetry.com

PTSD

The past is never dead. It's not even past. -- William Faulkner
 
Sometimes I feel I suffer from PTSD
In my case, past traumatic stress disorder  
 
This occurs when the past returns
To you-- A present moment which triggers
The unpleasantness you tried to forget
the humiliation you believed you healed from
the insecurity you overcame
And then it happens, without warning
And suddenly you are 23 years old,  
Watching the man you love drive away for the last time,
or in college, unknowingly flashing your thong to the class,  
Or a teen sitting alone at the cafeteria table
and then you're 8 years old,
shaking at the chalkboard, struggling over simple addition,
a toddler in a fit because they threw away your teddy,
and then  
stunningly,
suddenly,
you are a newborn baby,
screaming into a world  
you aren't ready to be born into,
 
And I don't know if only I feel this  
but one memory triggers another, cut deep with quick succession,
and the past is not past as Faulkner says
but present and inescapable.  
 
When these episodes come to me, I'm forced to question  
everything  
 
Because really,  
there's no amount of therapy
or SSRIs that is going to cure  
my past traumatic stress disorder:  
And so I wonder if this is just  
the reality of my life and condition.  
 
I tried to start anew,
to be healthy mind and soul,  
and I made strides . . .  
But then you cross paths with the past--  
And it all comes rushing back
As if I failed to build the dam strong  
enough to keep it all in . . .  
I kept it at bay for awhile --
And for what?  
you can't live in the past
But if the present is the past  
And the future is the present
Then the future is past  
And thus all is past  
 
And please
somebody tell me
How to get past that.
Written by TheMuses22 (Muse22)
Published | Edited 3rd Sep 2016
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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