deepundergroundpoetry.com
Braveheart
When the sun rays kissed my back
and harassed my naked soul standing barefoot;
I was just an ignorant thief trying to steal
darkness from the hands of the devils;
they once waged a battle with the dawn
and were severely defeated.
As punishment they were being put into dungeons
that gifted them eternal darkness;
I hated their blessing in disguise and decided to revolt back.
But I was unaware of my own consequences
lying beneath my feet like minesweepers
that blasted out my existence from the weaker
meadow fields that cheered temporarily
from the heat of the deadly nucleus.
So I chose to ran away from the golden shackles
and dared my back to be burned forever;
changed my side and allied with the enemies-
they were all backless and had a good face like me.
and harassed my naked soul standing barefoot;
I was just an ignorant thief trying to steal
darkness from the hands of the devils;
they once waged a battle with the dawn
and were severely defeated.
As punishment they were being put into dungeons
that gifted them eternal darkness;
I hated their blessing in disguise and decided to revolt back.
But I was unaware of my own consequences
lying beneath my feet like minesweepers
that blasted out my existence from the weaker
meadow fields that cheered temporarily
from the heat of the deadly nucleus.
So I chose to ran away from the golden shackles
and dared my back to be burned forever;
changed my side and allied with the enemies-
they were all backless and had a good face like me.
Published 25th Jul 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
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comments 4
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
hello anando.
yeah i like the concept of this poem.
there are a few things that might improve the overall read:
and harassed my naked soul standing barefoot
might suggest your naked soul was standing barefoot. i would recommend cutting standing barefoot.
L5: if you changed *they to *that it might be better.
to be honest i wasn't into the second stanza at all, i don't know why, it just sticks out like a sore thumb.
L11: minesweepers don't blow up,they are like metal detectors or at sea they are large poles i think.
L15:*run
and dared my back to be burned forever; great line man!
"changed my side and allied with the enemies-
they were all backless and had a good face like me"
great ending anando.
in truth i really don,t know what you can do with the second stanza because the remaining stanza's sort of need it for continuity. i can only suggest you re work it while keeping the foundation.
anyhoo!enjoyed reading this anando and any suggestions are only suggestions. keep up the good work.
shine on!!
yeah i like the concept of this poem.
there are a few things that might improve the overall read:
and harassed my naked soul standing barefoot
might suggest your naked soul was standing barefoot. i would recommend cutting standing barefoot.
L5: if you changed *they to *that it might be better.
to be honest i wasn't into the second stanza at all, i don't know why, it just sticks out like a sore thumb.
L11: minesweepers don't blow up,they are like metal detectors or at sea they are large poles i think.
L15:*run
and dared my back to be burned forever; great line man!
"changed my side and allied with the enemies-
they were all backless and had a good face like me"
great ending anando.
in truth i really don,t know what you can do with the second stanza because the remaining stanza's sort of need it for continuity. i can only suggest you re work it while keeping the foundation.
anyhoo!enjoyed reading this anando and any suggestions are only suggestions. keep up the good work.
shine on!!
25th Jul 2011 12:50pm
The best part of your comment is Eamon are those suggestions which can improve my works and I am infinitely hungry for them.
I ust posted the poem at one go because I was in office and wanted to share my work and get the reflections from the DP talents.
However, the bad part of me which I despise is that I am not paying attention to my art these days and is hardly doing any editings.
Anyhow, I will try to come up with a revised version soon.
Again I appreciate your valuable suggestions Eamon and will definitely try to improvise on them.
I ust posted the poem at one go because I was in office and wanted to share my work and get the reflections from the DP talents.
However, the bad part of me which I despise is that I am not paying attention to my art these days and is hardly doing any editings.
Anyhow, I will try to come up with a revised version soon.
Again I appreciate your valuable suggestions Eamon and will definitely try to improvise on them.
27th Jul 2011 9:07am
I respect Eamonn's recommendations and i found them most constructive. Nevertheless the poem for me was just brilliant!
27th Jul 2011 12:11pm
