Shit I can't say, keeping me awake
Hooooly shit do I like her so much because she's a puzzle? Is it the draw of mystique, the only fully nonphysical woman in my life, with so many walls up and each one is a mindful tactical response, is it the deadly draw plus the intrigue of unusual pull that drives me to figure her out? The compelling story of a no sexual reward crusade is hypnotic and passionate when that redirected passion is expertly used. The energy flow, and the flow of effortless behavior for supreme results intertwine like the caduceus serpents. We move into each other's energy and read the same as lovers do. The price of that emotional/spiritual conduit is addiction, fascination. To latch onto a puzzle, a brilliant one at that, a warm hearted sociopath is a dangerous path. Risk addiction stems from trauma arousal. I know full well why I go to extremes. I know it's all an adaptive mechanism from childhood. When the wrong mode wins and flight kicks in, run towards the threat, get in close, scope the throat. Eventually that evolved into a life response. She's intense like me, so staying cool to be the stable one, copacetic, accepting, Cool Hand Luke about each moment is the only way to stay Loki about shit while still acknowledging inwardly everything I feel. That's my, anyone’s greatest strength. Mindful self awareness. Without that speed, adaptability, focus all have short, shallow, misused lives. Moment by moment, the puzzle unfolds, twists from origami to improv, revolve, evolve, solve, learn and grow, and she learns fast. Faster than I do, but the heuristic flight plan, and the walls triggered by emotional confusion, guarding against ruin reveal so much more about a brilliant warrior scientist. For each one I read the chapters on the stone slabs like it was graffiti splash, clear to the past, and what because of that lasts. Former coroner, hooked on foreign horror, Egyptian lore, ancient Asian maps, dragon paths, cats, made her own blades, not just for show, studied Iaido, laughs at how little I know, doesn't scoff, but builds and decodes, wish she'd stop occasionally giving my flow an eye roll and a one off Latin brushstroke, and while it's obviously a poke, always makes sure by the end of the night I’m not cold. I was warned against this … getting attached to a warm hearted sociopath. I am hooked on a puzzle.