Mindless State of Mind

You say I have a "smart" mind
Then how would you define
My thoughts?
I think of people who would
Never once think of me
I put others first knowing
That they would put me last
I feel emotions for things
That don't feel
I see light where there is
None to see
My imagination takes me places
That I can't go in reality
And you call this a smart mind?

I'm trapped within myself
Aching for some sense of freedom
That involves the feeling and thinking of nothing
Existing inside blank spaces
And never craving more
Being at one with the emptiness
With no desire to be whole
Because my escape
Is my enemy
I have heard echoes of what it was like to be alive
Overlapped with sounds of death's allure
Searching for a sense of life
Only my heartbeat keeps me sure
That I am here still
Because I live inside my head
But I also die in it
A mindless state of mind
When I really state my mind

So what would you call this?
Surviving? Trying?
Waste of the brain
A heart that's declining?
Or is this what it's like to really live?

I once existed on threads of dreams
And strands of wishes
Bound by hope
Laced with strength that persisted
Master of finding all the pieces
Whenever they'd been displaced
I know the effort and the strategies
But this time they've gone to waste
It's like my abilities
Have almost been erased
With no way to sweeten
The burn of the bitter taste
And I don't want to fall off the edge
But I don't want to live on it either
Little moments to grab but time slips through my hands
Struggling with belief and finding reasons to be here
But it's just a mindless state of mind
And I'm adapting to the times
Floating without lifelines
changes of new unwelcome kinds