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 - family -

Sometimes the ones
that are meant to hold us up
are the ones that hold us down
and I'm drowning in the panic attack
of things said but unspoken between us

'Cause she's never had
the kind of hands I can hold
no hand ups
no hand outs

And my heart is bruised
from every time she's kicked me
when I was down
tomorrow will be no different

- a state of residence -

We sat in the cold
backs against exposed brick walls
and contemplated this moment
wondering if tomorrow would hold
a longer exposure to dropping celius elements

Tonight is just a test
a taster for frozen days to come

I don't want to be here
I don't want you to be here
and it's hard to convice you
home is the answer
when home is the problem
and there are some levels
of violence neither of us can escape

I might have made my bed
but I'm not sure you should
have to lie in it

There are no easy answers
but I'll take the violence
over the cold tonight

- panic attack -

I didn't ask to lose myself
in a feeling
rehash the days of my ex's
trying to figure out how and where
I went wrong
and how not to do it again

I dream of you and wake up alone
with the taste of you on my lips
though we've never kissed
and maybe never will

Because I've used too many words
to hem myself into the labels
I hid behind
without ever knowing I was hiding

And I can't take back
all the stupid things I've bleed
into the late night atmosphere
because I feared the silence
more than I relished my own sanity
that still wavers on the edge of a bottle
when every day starts with hope
and ends with yesterday's problems
tinged with tomorrows blood

Because it's easier to smile
with a lie
than it is to break down the fears
to everything that could be real
like I'm some pathetic damsel in distress
unable to take the wheel and steer
the destiny of her own life

And perhaps I have too much pride
to let you see see the parts of me
I don't know how to fix
because I'm not sure I love myself enough
to let you love me
assuming that you ever would

© Indie Adams 2016