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Mayberry USA . . . Retold
This breaks my heart to tell this sad tale,
I hear each and all as you begin to wail.
But I must tell about a little country town,
with white picket fences all around.
Mayberry, RFD was its quaint little name,
Sheriff Andy Taylor filled up a door frame.
Once a week, around the TV without delay,
we did gather to watch Mayberry, USA.
Small town, small problems, we were glad
that nothing ever happened there really bad.
Andy and Barney and Opie and Aunt Bea,
were so sweet, oh, crap, I have to disagree.
Order up another round boys, I have a tale,
and it'll go down better with beer in a pail.
I know for a fact that Mayberry is a faker,
like that town down the road, Green Acres.
The Darlings bad boy was old Earnest T,
all he did was throw rocks and slap his knee.
There was more a-going on than met the eye,
Earnest T was a saint I wouldn't tell a lie.
Goober, remember Goober who fixed cars?
Well, old Goob ran after hours massage bars.
He parlayed his old dumber than dumb con,
but he was really an X-rated Don Juan.
Mayberry had a barber shop on Main Street,
Floyd cut everyone's hair right in that seat.
Shifty-eyed Floyd also dealt in amphetamines,
crosses, LA turnarounds, raking in the green.
Old Otis, the town's much loved town drunk,
sure didn’t act like a pious and saintly monk.
What the townsfolk thought harmless and silly,
covered up the fact that Otis was a serial killer.
Everyone's favorite aunt, such a beatific smile,
home cooked meals were her homespun style.
Little did we know that Aunt Bea was unstable,
bloody abortions took place on her kitchen table.
Quick draw Barney, deputy with a nervous wit,
with his one little bullet, a clown, we do admit.
An evil clown with secrets so awful and so sad,
about how he stalked and seduced small lads.
Tow-headed little Opie we all came to love,
growing up, all was fishing and baseball gloves.
Now we know that cute little smile, gosh darn,
a sly way of saying he was in love with Barn.
If we pulled all the covers from each and all,
what about Andy, standing tall, never did crawl?
Did the square shooter have any hidden crime?
Yes, behind that old boy grin, is original sin.
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