deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Mirror Cracked
Looking in the mirror I see it start to crack
I stare even harder but it’s not me who’s staring back
I see A five year old with one black swollen eye
Who finds it hard to look at me and all he does is cry
A split lip, a broken arm, he looks like he’s been fighting
It’s obvious he lost the fight and now is very frightened
I want to help, I want to care, I ask him let me try
But he says the man who did this is a bigger man than I
Great big arms, great big fists, full of God led rage
It’s just that I’ve been bad again its in that bible page
‘Tell someone, anyone, somebody you trust
Tell the truth, do not fear, for this is so unjust’
He then looked up at me, a forced a painful smile
It’s best that I keep quite now, he’s sleeping for a while
Looking in the mirror, it gains a single crack
As I realise the crying child was me just looking back.
Looking in the mirror, I see another crack
A child of six with frightened eyes is now who’s looking back
“Can you hear the voices, can you hear the screams
My mother isn’t well right now, she’s crazy so it seems
It’s not her fault, the things she does, the rubber hose and rope
The voices make her do it, without the drugs she just can’t cope”
She says she wants to love me but I am evil in God’s sight
The voices say I’m worthless, I suppose they could be right
I want to run away now, I’m ready to defy
But every time I argue back, she then decides to cry
‘Tell somebody, anybody, someone that you love’
He says he been praying hard for angels from above
He then looked up at me and gave a mighty sigh
They haven’t come to rescue me no matter how I cry
The mirror gains another crack, I want to let it be
I look into his frightened eyes and realise it’s me
Looking in the mirror another crack appears
A child of eight and so depressed, looks older than his years
I ask him how he’s doing now, and why he looks so blue
He said the angels never came for him, he’s not sure what to do
Men of cloth with crosses came, a laying on of hands
They said he had to let them in, it’s what your God commands
If he told his father, They said that he’d go to hell
he held another secret, Dads’ been doing this as well
The pain involved, the force it took, I wanted it to stop
I’d reached a final breaking point, for death, this life I’d swap
‘Tell somebody, anybody, someone that you love’
There seems no point in praying hard for angels from above
He then looked up at me his shoulders gave a shrug
There’s nobody for me to tell, no one that I love
The mirror gains another crack, I wish I had the key
To release the child from suffering then I recognise, he’s me
Looking in the mirror another crack appears
A child of twelve so broken yet still he perseveres
I’ve spoken up and now they tell me everything is finished
And yet the pain of dirty deeds does not yet felt diminished
Quiet now, the deals been done, if not they’d could do worse
Despite the fact I took a stand, I’m still easy to coerce
He said I’ll take these memories and lock them in my vault
I don’t want any trouble now, it’s probably all my fault
So much to bear for one so young, so long on bended knee
I couldn’t look him in the eye or unchain him to be free
‘Tell somebody, anybody, make them pay for what they’ve done’
It never can be over if all you do is run
The mirror gained another crack, offenders off scot-free
I knew, inside a deep dark place, it was really only me
I looked inside the mirror today and not a single crack
I looked hard at the reflection, only me just looking back
Tired of looking, the worse for wear feeling so downcast
An honest vision of who I am with no ghosts now from the past
I ask myself, “Are you still here? You should have gone by now”
Every days a struggle and I muddle through somehow
I question motives every day should I go on and why
Most days, but not yet every one, Id rather live than die
The ghosts of past have gone now for a short while all is still
I know that they will be back soon, and all against my will
The road ahead is frightening and to any man is daunting
I need to find peace of mind from this daily haunting
Behind the pain and suffering a clown full of wise cracks
In reality though, an ageing man who caused the mirror cracks
I walk away, my reflection stays from the other side it stares
still looking for love’s compassion and somebody who really cares
I stare even harder but it’s not me who’s staring back
I see A five year old with one black swollen eye
Who finds it hard to look at me and all he does is cry
A split lip, a broken arm, he looks like he’s been fighting
It’s obvious he lost the fight and now is very frightened
I want to help, I want to care, I ask him let me try
But he says the man who did this is a bigger man than I
Great big arms, great big fists, full of God led rage
It’s just that I’ve been bad again its in that bible page
‘Tell someone, anyone, somebody you trust
Tell the truth, do not fear, for this is so unjust’
He then looked up at me, a forced a painful smile
It’s best that I keep quite now, he’s sleeping for a while
Looking in the mirror, it gains a single crack
As I realise the crying child was me just looking back.
Looking in the mirror, I see another crack
A child of six with frightened eyes is now who’s looking back
“Can you hear the voices, can you hear the screams
My mother isn’t well right now, she’s crazy so it seems
It’s not her fault, the things she does, the rubber hose and rope
The voices make her do it, without the drugs she just can’t cope”
She says she wants to love me but I am evil in God’s sight
The voices say I’m worthless, I suppose they could be right
I want to run away now, I’m ready to defy
But every time I argue back, she then decides to cry
‘Tell somebody, anybody, someone that you love’
He says he been praying hard for angels from above
He then looked up at me and gave a mighty sigh
They haven’t come to rescue me no matter how I cry
The mirror gains another crack, I want to let it be
I look into his frightened eyes and realise it’s me
Looking in the mirror another crack appears
A child of eight and so depressed, looks older than his years
I ask him how he’s doing now, and why he looks so blue
He said the angels never came for him, he’s not sure what to do
Men of cloth with crosses came, a laying on of hands
They said he had to let them in, it’s what your God commands
If he told his father, They said that he’d go to hell
he held another secret, Dads’ been doing this as well
The pain involved, the force it took, I wanted it to stop
I’d reached a final breaking point, for death, this life I’d swap
‘Tell somebody, anybody, someone that you love’
There seems no point in praying hard for angels from above
He then looked up at me his shoulders gave a shrug
There’s nobody for me to tell, no one that I love
The mirror gains another crack, I wish I had the key
To release the child from suffering then I recognise, he’s me
Looking in the mirror another crack appears
A child of twelve so broken yet still he perseveres
I’ve spoken up and now they tell me everything is finished
And yet the pain of dirty deeds does not yet felt diminished
Quiet now, the deals been done, if not they’d could do worse
Despite the fact I took a stand, I’m still easy to coerce
He said I’ll take these memories and lock them in my vault
I don’t want any trouble now, it’s probably all my fault
So much to bear for one so young, so long on bended knee
I couldn’t look him in the eye or unchain him to be free
‘Tell somebody, anybody, make them pay for what they’ve done’
It never can be over if all you do is run
The mirror gained another crack, offenders off scot-free
I knew, inside a deep dark place, it was really only me
I looked inside the mirror today and not a single crack
I looked hard at the reflection, only me just looking back
Tired of looking, the worse for wear feeling so downcast
An honest vision of who I am with no ghosts now from the past
I ask myself, “Are you still here? You should have gone by now”
Every days a struggle and I muddle through somehow
I question motives every day should I go on and why
Most days, but not yet every one, Id rather live than die
The ghosts of past have gone now for a short while all is still
I know that they will be back soon, and all against my will
The road ahead is frightening and to any man is daunting
I need to find peace of mind from this daily haunting
Behind the pain and suffering a clown full of wise cracks
In reality though, an ageing man who caused the mirror cracks
I walk away, my reflection stays from the other side it stares
still looking for love’s compassion and somebody who really cares
Published 11th Apr 2016
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 13
reading list entries 7
comments 19
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The author encourages honest critique.
11th Apr 2016 3:05pm
15th Apr 2016 6:14pm
it felt like an achievement to halt the silly comments as you call them but damn it I am missing them already :-(
6th Nov 2017 7:47pm
11th Apr 2016 6:17pm
15th Apr 2016 6:15pm
11th Apr 2016 11:29pm
David... this is deeply moving and extremely evocative (yes I used the word extreme not lightly at all), brought my wandering galloping thoughts to a screeching halt and left me stunned. An expression hard not to shake your soul.. hats off in respect!!
Regards
KDAmB
Regards
KDAmB
15th Apr 2016 6:17pm
I am glad it had an affect - it was very close to my heart being autobiographical - it's personal poems that are easy to fill with images of actual events :-)
12th Apr 2016 1:57am
Wow, That is really all I can say. This was not only beautifully written but very heartfelt and emotional.
15th Apr 2016 6:20pm
thank you for taking the time to read and comment - this was a very personal and important write for me and I am glad you liked it :-)
13th Apr 2016 3:38am
15th Apr 2016 6:22pm
thank you so much, you're spot on it was a deep and emotional write and very personal
:-)
:-)
14th Apr 2016 00:32am
Am not sure if these words are all about you or only bits and pieces are, but it's still an evocative and heart felt write...and the experience of many out there... :(
Even these words:
'the ghosts of past have gone now for a short while all is still
I know that they will be back soon, and all against my will...'
depicts what it's like for many who have counselling, deal with what they can, have a break and then come back to release more at a later date.
May I suggest a re-read to tidy up the grammar etc and possibly highlight the words below
'Tell someone, anyone, somebody you trust
Tell the truth, do not fear, for this is so unjust’
I notice you have them and/or similar words in each stanza (?) and I imagine it's 'a voice' coming to the child but as child does, they feel helpless and do not heed it.
Even these words:
'the ghosts of past have gone now for a short while all is still
I know that they will be back soon, and all against my will...'
depicts what it's like for many who have counselling, deal with what they can, have a break and then come back to release more at a later date.
May I suggest a re-read to tidy up the grammar etc and possibly highlight the words below
'Tell someone, anyone, somebody you trust
Tell the truth, do not fear, for this is so unjust’
I notice you have them and/or similar words in each stanza (?) and I imagine it's 'a voice' coming to the child but as child does, they feel helpless and do not heed it.
15th Apr 2016 6:39pm
sadly this poem is all autobiographical. It is an internal dialogue between me as a 50+ year old man and him as a child at different stages.
the words; 'the ghosts of past have gone now for a short while all is still
I know that they will be back soon, and all against my will...' refer to my struggle with PTSD or the mind rapist as I call it It is accurate in that from time to time the condition is relatively calm and then, usually without warning or signal it kicks off and becomes all consuming. Flash back, day-mares, panic attacks and nightmares all about the trauma of my childhood.
I agree, it does need a tidy up of the grammar and some wordage changes - I have to say that grammar, for me, is not a strong point.
the similar words in each of the satnzas are part of the internal dialogue. The 50 year old man is getting frustrated by him as the child who keeps quiet through fear of consequenses.
sometimes when you are writing something that is so personal it can be hard to keep the piece grammatically correct. I wept three or four times while writing this, it probably will need to be grammar checked by somebody that has no connection with the content - well that's my excuse and I am sticking to it (LoL) :-)
the words; 'the ghosts of past have gone now for a short while all is still
I know that they will be back soon, and all against my will...' refer to my struggle with PTSD or the mind rapist as I call it It is accurate in that from time to time the condition is relatively calm and then, usually without warning or signal it kicks off and becomes all consuming. Flash back, day-mares, panic attacks and nightmares all about the trauma of my childhood.
I agree, it does need a tidy up of the grammar and some wordage changes - I have to say that grammar, for me, is not a strong point.
the similar words in each of the satnzas are part of the internal dialogue. The 50 year old man is getting frustrated by him as the child who keeps quiet through fear of consequenses.
sometimes when you are writing something that is so personal it can be hard to keep the piece grammatically correct. I wept three or four times while writing this, it probably will need to be grammar checked by somebody that has no connection with the content - well that's my excuse and I am sticking to it (LoL) :-)
14th Apr 2016 12:22pm
Wow David. Just wow. No shit this is one of the best poems I've read on this site. And although it's personal to you it's a 'reflection' of life for every person who reads it but all the more poignant because I know you through your work here. Unbelievably good. The poem bleeds life and emotion.
15th Apr 2016 6:41pm
thank you so much, that was such a big thing you said there - I am so glad it is about this poem that was traumatic even to write because it was strictly autobiographical.
thank you your comment made writing it all the more worthwhile :-)
thank you your comment made writing it all the more worthwhile :-)
1st May 2016 6:11am
Powerful and painful to read, it stirs emotions. Good on you turning anguish into art, it's therapeutic i have found.
2nd May 2016 5:07am
you are right! I do find a lot of my writing to be therapeutic :-)
Thank you for reading, commenting and understanding :-)
Thank you for reading, commenting and understanding :-)
13th Sep 2020 6:49pm
This was an absolutely raw and heart rending confessional, my friend. Thank you for sharing it with us.
16th Sep 2020 3:23am
So glad the podcast brought me here, as I never went this far back in your archives before. Such a beautiful, vulnerable write, and I loved your reading of it. Thank you for sharing this offering.
