Fear

yesterday was a test
eh . . . not exactly a test
more like a trial run
on fear
fear that I could write about
I’ve had fear before
Many years past
I wanted to have it again
why?
because when you are in fear
you’re more alive
than you have ever been
maybe the feeling of love
comes a close second
but it is clouded with heartfelt emotion
I have lived a peaceful life
for many years
as I eased into old age
which is just fine with me
until a few days ago
it was then I desired to allow
fear into my life
I could hear the negative snorts of many
mattered not
 
 . . .
 
the shadows were lengthening
in the late afternoon
I began to walk
toward a part of town
I knew I would not be welcomed
these days more so than ever before
never mind
all tha “hope and change”
I was already getting guttural
greeting from those who passed me by
in their cars
it had started
fear
slowly, very slowly
step by step
those who passed me by
averted their eyes
not believing what they were seeing
my destination was near  
each step
gave me the fear I thought
I had wanted to feel
ahhh . . .
there is was
I pressed myself against
a building where the floor, by nights end
was always soaked with blood
it had no name that I knew of
and no
I had no desire to enter it
I wanted the taste of fear
not death
from inside came intensely loud rap
crowd getting boisterous
the fear I was after
coming along just fine, thank you
thinking about going home
afraid to make that first step
what happened to
that badass guy I used to be
I heard the voices behind me
go home
whatcha doing down heah
from inside
came the sound like a gunshot
that got me turned around
then I realized it was only somebody
on the drums
too late
I was stepping high
to the hoots and laughter
from the home boys
it was all I could do not to run
after I made it home
in my desk chair
I  have chill pills don’t ya know
took three
they had no effect
 
 . . .
 
so okay
got my taste of fear
think it will last me forever
what did happen to that badass guy
I used to be
 
©April 3, 2016 / Jerry Pat Bolton