two ways to burn them

Came down her driveway, looking  
knew she’d gotten back last night, hadn’t heard from her, didn’t like it  
saw her walking across the yard, turned, saw my vehicle, smiled, then pulled her face straight  
came forward to me slow  
I sat in the truck, knew something was up  
came up to my window, talking quiet, looking down  
reached out and touched my arm, pulled her hand away as soon as she caught herself  
I saw the effort made, holding herself back, so I kept still, waited, figured she’d say but she didn’t  
some small talk, “how was your trip”  
noticed her new hair style, looked good, but didn’t say it  
bad sign; new hair  
women make changes  
always seem to start with their heads  
no welcome lips came at me  
something not clear  
so said I’d see her later  
got nothin’ back  
drove up the road toward where my men were working, put her aside  
not for work hours  
 
after work, driving home, saw her truck outside the pub, called in  
her there, surrounded by people close to her  
people closer than me  
bought a drink, went outside, smoked  
kept my eyes clear of her, waited, night went on  
people coming and going, crowd thinned, picked my moment, went to her  
asked her straight  
she told me “I had time to think...you’re too hard on me”  
I said “ok”, said that was her call, asked if we were good, she said yeah  
I figured well ok then, cold feet is cold feet  
won’t fight for gifts not given  
 
left the pub, left my truck parked outside cos too much liquor  
walked up the hill with the sea crashing out break-up songs beside me  
short walk to home, in the front door, stood there, empty house  
said out loud “fuck it” no anger, just fuck it  
turned, walked back to the pub, came in the bar, sat back down  
she hadn’t seen me come in, turned around and there I was  
she smiled before she caught herself “what are you doing here?”  
told her I’d come back, said nothing else  
we sat and drank, talking to other people, sometimes to each other  
night got older, a few last stayers and us  
got to that leaving time  
asked her “ you coming home?”  
said she wasn’t sure  
I sat and waited  
“well ok”, and we walked  
got talking up the hill road  
the waves weren’t sure either, what song they were playing, so they just played boom-crash riffs  
told her I’d missed her, said I knew I was hard on her some days  
can’t always stand it when women stick around  
said true that was my problem not hers, and if it wasn’t working for her then yeah sure walk away  
she asked about that, about the why of that  
said I didn’t know why, said I don’t care  
no one ever changed a rock by understanding it  
feels like that with me  
told her again she can tell me when I’m hurting her, when the words come out hard, when only the darkness shines  
 
by the time we’d got to my place we were ok  
found a way we could work  
ask her in and she did  
asked her to bed and she did  
lay in the dark, slow touching, reached up, turned the light back on, held her face in my hands  
said it again, something about never been good at this  
reminded her about the truth  
sure as hell aren’t staying here, another few months and then gone  
reminded her these are the days we burn, two choices to the way we burn them;  
find a way to be kind, find a way to let someone in  
or burn the days anyway  
kept the light on, fucked ourselves to silence, fell quiet skin on skin  
could still hear the sea-drum songs, something warm  
hoped I’d remember, pulled her in tighter, knew I wouldn’t  
whispered “welcome home” heard her mumble, kissed my chest  
reached up  
killed the light  
lay in the darkness  
and let the day go