deepundergroundpoetry.com
Rewards
I watched a prince become a king
I watched a young bird first take wing
I saw a word become a song
One step became a journey long
I've seen the birth and growth process
Both have their pain and their success
I have watched struggle yield sweet fruit
I have, myself, known age and youth
Work hard, you must, to have progress
Without trials, victory does mean less
To make your choice and see it through
Is how life is made and how life does make you
Published 21st Mar 2016
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likes 2
reading list entries 1
comments 2
reads 624
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
This is really good, PLUS.
I particularly enjoyed the rhyme
and rhythm throughout the piece.
Because you have asked, I would
suggest editing the final line for brevity
so that it retains the cadence of the write.
For example, what if you removed 'life does'
replaced them with 'it', and pluralized make
to read, 'and how it makes you'...
Not only is the rhythm maintained, but
you lose some repetitive words like "does"
and "life".
It's just a suggestion because you asked
for honest critique. The write is good as it is.
:)
I particularly enjoyed the rhyme
and rhythm throughout the piece.
Because you have asked, I would
suggest editing the final line for brevity
so that it retains the cadence of the write.
For example, what if you removed 'life does'
replaced them with 'it', and pluralized make
to read, 'and how it makes you'...
Not only is the rhythm maintained, but
you lose some repetitive words like "does"
and "life".
It's just a suggestion because you asked
for honest critique. The write is good as it is.
:)
23rd Mar 2016 2:21pm
thanks for reading and responding . I agree about the loss of rhythm at the end . just couldn't figure out how to fix it while I was writing it. I am very glad you enjoyed it.
