Self-destruct

 
“How was your day, honey?”
You must not have noticed that I’m drunk at home on a Monday night.

The boiling uncertainty beneath that competent stranger in the glass is scalding
Seething within for something intangible, unattainable
Delusional dreams of desires that shouldn’t even exist
Straining towards an unreachable goal that I both want and fear
So frustrated
With my inability to connect
With my unwillingness to accept
With my misreading of all the signs

I want it all to be different
While staying the same
I want to shed this skin
But still wear these clothes
Ashamed of my dissatisfaction with a life that is known to be blessed

Where did this flailing rage originate?
Either I’m lying to myself and a vengeful predator
Or I’m the prey caught in a desperate trap
Yearning for crumbs of poison bread
Drops of bitter wine
Stretched thin on a rack of indecision when there is no real decision to make
Apart from how to feel
And neither option is good
Loathing of my evil calculating self
Or pity for my desperate hunger

Reach out for numbing distraction
Knowing this is the wrong path but unable to leave it
Just make it go, make it go
Make it all go
Away