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The Ballad of Duderino

The dude called again,
The 4th consecutive
Weekend in a row

He was an old friend,
So I finally told him
To come over
And we’ll go out
For drinks

He came over,
Same ol’ bullshit:
Hoodie, baggie jeans,
Backwards baseball cap,
And he went and got
Himself another perm

“Asshole, looking ridiculous
Doesn’t make you original.”

Of course I didn’t say that,
Just the standard
“What up, bro?”
and at least he brought over
2 6ers of Lagunitas,
but of course I had
to tell him to do that

I was already sipping
Ice cold Ketel One
Chased with IPA

I hadn’t gone
Grocery shopping
In a while,
So all I had for dinner
Was my last piece
Of frozen salmon
And some mixed nuts

The dude just wasn’t much
For conversation
But Fury Road was on,
So we watched that
For a bit
I had to drink faster
Just to entertain myself
And to be honest,
I was feeling
Pretty good
I started just
Talking at him
About anything that
Was on my mind

Around 11,
It was time to go

The Uber dropped us off
At Prince O’ Whales
For some reason,
The bouncer there always
Greeted me like
An old friend
I have no idea why
Maybe he did that
With everyone?
We went straight up
To the bar
And the bartender
Came up to us
Right away

One night when we
Were there,
I called out, Angie!
To get her attention
She came over, annoyed,
And said her name
Wasn’t Angie
But she served us,

I ordered a vodka soda
And of course he ordered
A fucking Corona
Then we went out to
The patio
To smoke cigarettes
And watched some dudes
Play beer pong

We started rapping to
Some cute blonde chick
About god-knows-what
He was doing the ol’
Nice guy routine
And I think one
of the pong players
Was her boyfriend

I went back in
For another vodka soda
And came back out
And lit another cigarette

I was pretty much
A vaper at this point,
But I always ended up
Smoking regulars
When I hung out
With this guy

He was still talking
To the blonde
And then another
Cute girl came up
And starting talking

Actually, I was having
A pretty good time

But things got blurry fast
I remember going
To another bar
And then all of a sudden,
I was in my condo
With some chick
Smoking the last bit of
My weed
And drinking the last
Of the whiskey
And lighting cigarettes
Up inside

I was simply blurred out

Then my friend
Came in all pissed off,
Grabbed his keys,
And jetted

That dumbass
Was always leaving
His keys in my place

Anyways, I remember
Doing some tit-fucking
And her sucking me off
And then bending her over
My lap and spanking
Her bare ass

But when I took
Her to bed,
I just couldn’t
Get it up

Too much booze
And not enough food

A week later,
The dude took
Me out to some
Dump dive in Gardena
For my birthday
He told me that
At the last bar
We were at
I was barely
Able to stand,
That I was holding
Myself up with
A wobbly stool
And I was harassing
Some chick
Sitting at the bar
And she was
Physically telling me
To fuck off

He was talking
To some other patrons
When I suddenly disappeared
It was closing time
So everyone left
And he was out there
All alone

He walked to
The other bars
Trying to find me
And I wasn’t replying
To his texts
Or answering his calls
So he walked back
To my place,
Which was high up
On the hill,
To get his keys
And that’s when
He saw the chick
I was with
Who he referred to
As “not good, bro”

He said when
He was leaving,
She said, “So we’re
Not having a threesome?”
And he was just like,
Are you serious, bro?
I started telling him
About the titty-fucking
And the spanking,
But he was just like,
“Bro, keep that
To yourself”

Now, it’s possible
That if he had
Just taken his keys
With him
Like any motherfucker
On this planet
Would have done,
Or just Ubered home
Like any motherfucker
With half a brain cell
Would’ve done,
Then I could’ve made
Up a story about
This hot bitch
I fucked
8 ways
to Ramadan

But since he
Was a witness,
Since he’s an
Artless motherfucker,


You all know
The truth

Written by Taurek
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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