UNLISTING

 
Spun on this ball around the sun
I’ve done a lot, more than I thought,
But haven’t done it all.  I have a list
I made coming to the place, I’d rather
Be resented for the trouble that I made
Than leave resenting trouble I resist.

An act there is remaining that I resisted
Putting on that list, one easiest explained
With reasons and intentions extending
From “I do,” I  had spoken so cluelessly.
I knew as I spoke them, I was screwed,
Having felt the blade of her complaining.

Our bed being but disdaining avenue of her
Ceaseless commentary, dissatisfying  all.
Sex-life of a thousand wounds gaining
Speed with every draining pointed word
Until, spanning years, all these insults said,
Sex-death by thousand cuts conceiving.

Through all those years’ revealing flirts I find.
A line of girls, the women who would want to,
My marriage to one side, have me if they could.
Barely concealing, at times not even, desires
To take and give me everything they had.
But I never had, the reasons I thought clear.

How do I express this clearly, never having
Consummated these easy found desires:
Having f*cked myself in f*cking once,
I would not be f*cked by f*cking with
Another who only wants to f*ck me,
And who I’d only want to f*ck.

Having found myself both f*cked and screwed,
Never wanting to be found consumed in that
Relationship that flirt and chat-up easily
Began, pursuing that conclusive act that all
the overt flirting with those women shows
Their willingness to act all over me.

In truth, not in willingness or flirt or chat,
Not truly acting on these pursuits but on
The simplest of true ideas I found. That
Reason that I never strayed with these
Easy as it would have been to do,
That none of these pursuits were ever you.

With you, in truth, it's neither stray or roam
In truth, with you, I’m finally finding home…