I had this radiant glow,
this vibrant shine
that most expecting moms exude.
Musing of a stretched womb
intricate map covering me with
written lines that announce
“a beautiful creation lives inside.”
Skimming maternity catalogues
window shopping unisex clothing,
hoping this precious gem would have
my eyes and his father's temperament.
I waited patiently for signs of precious life,
yet I felt nothing.
My body had forsaken me
a karmic omen this had to be,
I felt like a failure, less than a woman.
Nightmares I couldn’t seem to wake up from,
reoccurred during the daytime.
I’m laid up in a fetal neonatal unit
with anesthesia walls closing in on me
with the smell of despair becoming my air.
Hooked to and plugged into wires that
diagnosed doom, monitored mayhem,
and recorded reality; as desperation set in.
Lap coat clipboard carrying specialists,
all with the same insane grim prognosis.
How could I? How could I?
I’m crying, I’m afraid! I'm feeling selfish! I’m angry!
What type of mother brings a child in this world-
with its quality of life uncertain,
and his life expectancy up in the air?
My mind consumed cancerous thoughts,
soul shattered in shard pieces
spirit in ash of hope’s residue,
and my heart……my heart stopped...
every, single, day!
I was completely broken!
I ripped off all my tubes, and crawled from the structure
that housed me for the last 17 weeks,…
making my way to my knees. I needed to pray one last time!
Not like the ones that often lead to begging…
for a healthy child.
I prayed for wisdom and discernment in the moment,
to be giving the tools to care for, and fight for my child-
no matter the complications.
I asked God to ‘prepare me’ for my child.
Tears disfigured my face, knees on fire,
I slowly stood up, turned around to find three nurses.
(Symbolic of the father, son, and holy spirit???)
Snatched IV lines and bells, alerted them to my room.
They never interrupted me, they knew this was needed.
Silently re-adjusting me back in bed and walked out quietly.
A few minutes had passed before my son….
finally kicked for the very first time.
I broke down in tears! They wouldn’t stop flowing,
I cried my eyes swollen, my voice weak and my heart heavy,
because I knew my prayer, was answered.
*Doctors don't have the final say: Born with one kidney, slightly developmentally delayed, high blood pressure, but relatively healthy. When he walked across the stage at his graduation, I literally cried like a baby. Proud Mom! My air!*
For comp: 'A Terrible Resolve'
(I apologize for the lengthy ink guys.)