its ok

and this is the best my mind can create, this is the dream.
to not tip the scale too far
this is the ideal
to be tortured but not to die
to have my bathing suit area mutilated and still find joy
for progressively longer periods of time
until i decide to not go out
until
i am unhappy by my own choosing
i am deluded into my day clothes
i am lying here unaware of how lucky i am.

i am no artist. i am no poet. i am no girl, no woman, no soul, no speck of life.
i am supplementing my circulation with smoke
and keeping my blood pressure down.

i am the understatement of the year;
the not normal not abnormal not one thing or the other
grey smoky shadow i breathe out
that's me.

you are not in my picture
i don't know how to draw smiles.
you are in my dreams
but i realise now that dreaming a horror film does not make you special.

nothing makes you special,
it's something you are or you aren't
i aren't
and it's ok. it's okay.  
i am not concerned with saving myself embarrassment.

i know how you leave.