"Help"

 
I came into this with confidence and I'm confident that this coffin of cocktails is waiting not so patiently
 for me to give into that binge with which will undoubtedly bring me to my knees.
it does not please me to see that no matter how confused or misconstrued
How brushed ego shattered
How black and blue the view
is always the same.
It's you.
 No it's me in that mirror rationalizing lunacy. What have I done?
No. It's me in the mirror rationing my Adderal to make it through the week.
Who am I kidding.
I can barely make it through the next 24 hours because I took a two week supply yesterday
So now I grit my teeth between inhalations of nicotine while imagining what life would be like without this dependency
It's desperate
These deadlines I cut and keep in an attempt to meet the expectations of everyone around me
I tell myself they have no idea but sickness is auditory and visible
It's fucking loud
And leads to delirium
So instead of listening to my loved ones mystified criticism
I carry on in gorgeous desperation
So vast I lose myself. My family. My God... and everything in between
Tomorrow will be different
I tell myself.
Tomorrow will be different.
But tomorrow Is today and I'm the only one being fooled
Because I am a fool
To think I have some symbolence of control over any of this
In a grander sense
One thing I do have.
beyond a shadow of a doubt is right now
This moment.
 a choice.
To seek help. To ask for help
Or keep doing what I've always done
Which is Run. run run run
 Running away from who I am while dodging the shadows of what I've become
We are like the Sun
which nourishes the life of this earth and brings forth every kind of strange, beautiful, and evil thing; we are like the mothers who hold in their wombs untold happiness and suffering
Both are options
To be opted in or out of at any moment
It's only a choice
between fear and fallacy or faith and love
Fear wants me to shut myself off to become lost somewhere between laziness and what ifs
Love on the other hand
asks us to be more
To do more
I am meant to fly
We are meant to fly
Don't ever let anyone tell us otherwise
it's time to open our eyes to spread our wings to the sky
to understand what it truly means to be alive