Jedi of the French Quarter (A silly story written nearly 30 years ago)

Jedi of the French Quarter

    Porthos was a dreamer. He had been named after one of the Three Musketeers. He wore a great multi-colored coat and a large wide-brimmed top hat to look like his favorite TV star, Dr. Who.
    Porthos walked along the back streets of the French Quarter around the Ursaline Convent. There he saw a red headed lady in a yellow dress being yelled at and grasped on the arms by a young man in a grey suit with blonde hair and a mustache.
    It would be correct to point out at this point that Porthos was educated on romance novels and movies of adventure. He had seen Indiana Jones countless times. He saw himself as the young and righteous hero, Luke Skywalker, of Star Wars. In reality he was more of a Don Quixote.
    Porthos stiffly walked up to the man and said, “Un-hand her you rogue.”
    The man looked up and down at Porthos strange attire. The man said, “What’s this? Who do ya think you are meddling in other’s business?”
    Porthos’ palms grew sweaty. He said, “Sir, I always make it my business when the abuse of a
lady is afoot.”
    The man looked around nervously  and said, “You talk like someone out of Madame Bovary. Get the hell out of here.”
    The woman shook loose of the man, looked Porthos square in the eyes, and said, “Get lost clown.”
    Porthos said, “I know it is beneath your dignity to ask for help. But I must, never-the-less offer my assistance.” Suddenly Porthos felt a tugging at his collar. Turning around he saw a police man in his blue uniform and sparkling badge.
    The officer said, “What’s the problem here? You in the clown suit, get outta here. I’ll take care of it.”
    Porthos shook loose from the police man and said, “See here this man was abusing the fair lady.”
    The lady put her hand on the officer’s shoulder. She said, “We was arguing money. You now how it is.”
    Porthos said, “No excuse for accosting the fair lady.”
    The officer gripped Porthos’ collar tightly and said, “So what’ll it be weirdo? You get movin or I
take you to da precinct?”
    Porthos wiped his sweaty palms against his coat.
He proclaimed, “Sir I’m a law abiding citizen. I don’t interfere with the proper authorities. Goodbye fair lady.”
    Porthos walked down the sunny quarter streets to his small two story house in Faubourg Marigny. In front of this house he combed his long black curly hair. He walked into the house and across the Turkish rug to the small kitchen. There his father sat drinking coffee and reading the sport’s page. His mother was kneading dough for biscuits.
    His mother stopped kneading and said, “Porthos honey, where ya been?”
    Porthos took off his hat and sat down. He said, “I was accosted by the police.”
    Porthos’ father, a man of graying hair and medium build said, “Porthos, how many times I tell you, mind your own business. There’s too many people in New Orleans for you to go around helping everyone. You’ll only get into trouble.”
    Porthos went up to his room, stretched out, and watched all three Star Wars movies.
    Late afternoon came to New Orleans. Rush
hour traffic set in. Downtown New Orleans was buzzing with people. Porthos went by Jackson Square to look for mischief or wrong doing.
    Suddenly a black limousine drove up by the Cabildo. The lady with red hair got out and looked frantically around.
    Porthos said, “Hello again. May I be of some assistance this time?”
    She took Porthos by the hand and said, “Yes, darling! I need a place to hide out. You got any place? I’m desperate”
    To Porthos she was Princess Leia being searched for by the evil empire. Porthos told her to follow him. They walked briskly down Chartres Street toward Esplanade Avenue.  They walked in a world of shadows made by street lights as city buses and cares drove by.
    Finally they reached his house. Porthos let her in and saw his mother with curlers in her hair. She smiled at his companion. Porthos said, “May I introduce…”
    The lady said, “Madeline. Madeline Chara.
Good to meet you.”
    Porthos’ mother put down her knitting and
asked, “Will Madeline be staying for supper?”
    Porthos took off his hat and said, “Madeline do
you mind if I speak with my mother along for a moment?”
    Madeline said, “Go right ahead.”
    Porthos and his mother walked toward the kitchen and Porthos’ mother said, “Be right back darling.”
    Porthos got a seat for his mother who sat down. Porthos said, “Madeline will be staying tonight.”
    Porthos’ mother knitted her brown. She said, “Why you always got to be the good Samaritan Porthos?  I don’t mind you bringing nice girls over but I don’t want any trouble okay?”
    Porthos slipped out of his jacket and said, “She’ll be no trouble. That I promise.”
    Dinner was polite but filled with superficial conversation. Madeline said she had recently lost a job working in agriculture in South America.
    After dinner Porthos slept on the couch giving Madeline his bed. The next morning Madeline and Porthos sat on the bed together silently. Madeline took Porthos hand and said she needed someone
she could trust.
    Porthos said, “You can trust me implicitly in all
thing.”
    Madeline gripped Porthos’ hands tightly and said, “Go to the Amtrak station. Look in number 72 locker. There you’ll find a brief case.” Madeline put her hand on Porthos knee. She said, “Bring it to me.”
    Porthos drove the beat up yellow V.W. Beetle to the Amtrak station. There he took the key Madeline had given him and opened the locker.
    While walking out a young person said, “Gimme that case or else I’ll rough you up.”
    A struggle ensued. The boy tugged. Porthos lunged at the boy with the brief case. The case hit the floor and small packages about the size of dollar bills fell out. One of  New Orlean’s finest walked up and the boy ran away.
   Porthos told the police man that he had pastry in the packages. The officer brushed his mustache and said, “So what are you carrying them in a brief case
for?”
    Porthos began picking up the packages. He answered, “It’s expensive baklava.”
    The police man held his hands behind his back
and said, “You one of those quarter eccentrics. You
people cause trouble.”
    Porthos hurriedly gathered the packages while the police man watched.
    Back at the house Madeline was waiting out in the driveway. She put her hands on Porthos’ shoulders and said, “Porthos, dear, can you give me a ride to the Bienville Street wharf?”
    Porthos handed her the brief case and replied, “Certainly milady. But I’d be most appreciative if you would take me into your confidence.”
   Madeline kissed Porthos on the cheek. She said, “Maybe later when the heat lets up.”
     Porthos put his hand to his chin and said, “But it’s winter.”
     Madeline smiled and said, “Figure of speech.”
    Porthos took her to the wharf and watched her walk toward a large cargo ship. He stealthily followed her. There he watched until a man with a gun went up the gang plank. Porthos quickly boarded the ship breathing heavily.  He heard people approaching and speaking Spanish. He hid behind what looked like cotton bales. Porthos felt the engines rumble as the ship eased out into the
water.
    Back in the quarter in the Court of Two Sisters two men were seated across from each other. They were both in black suits and wearing dark sun glasses. One said to the other, “We’re going to run Rodriguez out of business. When that ships goes up it’s going to be  like the fourth of july.”
    On board the Columbian Express Porthos saw St. Louis Cathedral all lit up with its spire soaring into the sky. There were hundreds of people milling about the quarter.
    Then the silence was broken by a small boat with a red light flashing and high pitched siren. Porthos yelled, “Help” waving his arms. Then Porthos heard two huge explosions. The bales began to catch fire. Smoke billowed up in columns being carried toward the French Quarter by the wind.
    Porthos grabbed a life preserver and leapt off the ship The police pulled him in and hand cuffed him. The ship looked like the Hindenburg as the great black behemoth lit up the night sky and floated in the water half sunk. Men were jumping off from all side like ants abandoning an ant hill
that had been disturbed.
    By now Porthos realized that the smoke was
from marijuana. He still couldn’t believe that darling Madeline had been involved in this.
    As the smoke settled over the French Quarter people walked around laughing at every thing. Two
long haired men were seen on the moonwalk by the
river saying, “What a trip man. I haven’t had stuff this good since 69.”
    The ship slowly sank. Its bow was sticking out of the water like an ice berg as it submerged into the brown water.
   At the police station Porthos was being booked. He pleaded, “But I’m innocent. I’m too good a citizen to do something like this.”
    The officer in the office sat typing. He said, “You look like some kind of fruit cake to me. You’re off the hook though. Some lady named Madeline told us you were just a gullible fool, a patsy.”
    Two days later Porthos was on Channel 4 news.
They were on location at the moonwalk. The reporter told him to tell in his own words what happened. Porthos took the microphone.
    He told the story of how Madeline deceived and
tricked him, but how he was on to her. Porthos
went on, “And when I discovered to my surprise that the ship was full of marijuana, I shot a flare for the police. Unfortunately a man accosted me as I shot the flare and the flare went into one of the bins full of marijuana. The flames spread quickly. I searched for Madeline all over the ship but to no avail. Then I jumped off, partially on fire. The water quenched the flames and Madeline proclaimed me innocent.”
    While Madeline was in prison, she promised to marry Porthos when she was discharged.  Out of gratitude and devotion, Porthos brought her cigarettes and baklava every week. He also bought her a ring. When she didn’t wear it, Porthos never suspected that she had sold it to another inmate. For Porthos and Madeline things could be expected to go as well as could be expected.