courage & misery (a collaboration)

I feel like I’ve been here before
but I don’t remember

I spend a lot of time trying
to remember a time
when I didn’t feel this way
This. Crippling. Desire.
For heartbreak. Pain. Death

I try not to pay attention
‘cause most days I manage
to push the agony down
though never out

Lungs on fire
dry cheeks
unscathed knuckles
white, wide eyes
… smiling

I am trying to remember
trying to remember
exactly where it was I left

But I no longer know where I am

So tell me, what do you do
when you have nothing left to hold?

You break down
cry it out
and try again

…

I never meant to check out
fake every smile for every friend
that expected an okay to every
“Hey, how are you?”

Everyone wants a lie
when our own demons
might expose
their own

And I’m tired of the
“la la la” in your eyes
when my own look like
they’re a dam waiting to break

But no one bothers to look past
the cracks in the façade
I’ve learned to call a cut
and paste reality

You’d be surprised how easy
it is to hide
behind dishonest psychology
breathing every breath
like you wished it was your last

My heart beat
has become a funeral march
for deaf ears

And I can’t help but wonder
how much will you miss me when I’m gone?

© Indie & Anthrows 2016