Our Bundle Of Joy

The day they took my baby away
no sight of smiles were seen that day
from me, from him,from anybody in that room..
the fact that my child will never have the chance to grow nor bloom
a small life that just started to kick torn from the womb in that dark small horrific room.
I heard the beep and the buzz from the equipment inside while I waited for death
and the guilt to arise, I'd never felt so hopeless so scared I wish it was all a dream
I wouldn't think i'd be going through this so early in my life i mean, i'm only 16.

A phobia of needles that's what I have but I felt I deserved those needles, every poke every jab
I shed a million tears on that hospital bed, the thought of my baby no longer alive now dead.
It was time now
they put me under in one, two, three.. the only person I wanted to die in that moment wasn't my baby, it was me.

I awoke in recovering ripping at the sheets for the pain I was experiencing was far from discrete
the tears rushing down my cheeks traveling down my neck struggling for breath if death came to me in  that moment i'd feel no need to take a rain check, I wanted to die I want to die I wake up everyday and ask myself why, why am I here, why can't I just leave! the nurses said "This is normal you see, it's your time to grieve".
The loss of a child is hard enough when it is unintentional so imagine the pain of doing something that is believed to be conventional  "You're too young"  I said to myself "You don't have enough money" agreed but, All I want to hear now is "I love you mummy" life is not fair  and god I will not read "your" book, for you have enough angels life is not your sketchbook, you cannot erase what you like when you feel the need to do so.
So almighty Christ our "lord and creator" why let me go through with this if you're such a savior?
To our sweet baby, our little bundle of joy Mummy and Daddy love you we should have been the one up in the sky looking down on you, one day we will meet and I will hold you so tight but for now we must part
Goodnight