deepundergroundpoetry.com
Tit for tat.
I changed the doorbell
and the glasses too,
no trace of me
or of you
as we board a way
to walk away
from the distant land
to a distant place
and as I close a book
that goes in circles
I collect a new book to fill with entrails
of lives we may or may not lead
with leading cases of educational greed.
The times have changed and so have we
together somehow life's for free.
and the glasses too,
no trace of me
or of you
as we board a way
to walk away
from the distant land
to a distant place
and as I close a book
that goes in circles
I collect a new book to fill with entrails
of lives we may or may not lead
with leading cases of educational greed.
The times have changed and so have we
together somehow life's for free.
Published 25th Jun 2011
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likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 6
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
26th Jun 2011 6:37am
26th Jun 2011 10:35am
26th Jun 2011 10:44am
The first four lines are sweet in their rhyming which enhances the hum of a sad tone and you bring it all together here:
and as I close a book
that goes in circles
I collect a new book to fill with entrails
of lives we may or may not lead
I really enjoyed this and even appreciated how it felt it belonged very well in the Observational category. Good work, LA.
and as I close a book
that goes in circles
I collect a new book to fill with entrails
of lives we may or may not lead
I really enjoyed this and even appreciated how it felt it belonged very well in the Observational category. Good work, LA.
27th Jun 2011 4:06pm
Were you going for confusion in this poem? If so, then I guess you did a good job. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel after a reading it. I felt a little anxious like I had somehow missed the plane (boat). So I reread a few times and I was none the wiser.
That's not to say I didn't interpret (understand) the poem, I just go a lot of mixed messages I guess. I'm trying to think of more specifics.
One that comes to mind is "entrails", it just seems like it doesn't belong. I question your word choice. I'm picturing more a passport for collecting the emotional fingerprints of paths crossed, but perhaps I misunderstand what you're trying to convey.
It's not that it's a bad poem, I just feel it's lacking a little bit. Perhaps I'm being overly harsh, my apologies if so, I just know what you're capable of.
That's not to say I didn't interpret (understand) the poem, I just go a lot of mixed messages I guess. I'm trying to think of more specifics.
One that comes to mind is "entrails", it just seems like it doesn't belong. I question your word choice. I'm picturing more a passport for collecting the emotional fingerprints of paths crossed, but perhaps I misunderstand what you're trying to convey.
It's not that it's a bad poem, I just feel it's lacking a little bit. Perhaps I'm being overly harsh, my apologies if so, I just know what you're capable of.
29th Jun 2011 1:26am
Thank you, I am suffering at the moment and it's evident - hopefully my mind will clear up soon
