deepundergroundpoetry.com
why why why
why im i here
iwhy do i have such great fear
why im i so scared
why why why
all i want to do is cry
no slep i dont feel the need to eat im so weary i can barley stand on my own to feet
everything i say no one belives
its like all of them are blind and cannot see
why why why
this is where my bloodline ends no need to carry on
life is like a chess game and im just a tiny pawn
why why why
everything i do goes bad
all i do is nice things and every one getys mad
it just makes me so sad
why why why
this the end
so goodbye my friend
iwhy do i have such great fear
why im i so scared
why why why
all i want to do is cry
no slep i dont feel the need to eat im so weary i can barley stand on my own to feet
everything i say no one belives
its like all of them are blind and cannot see
why why why
this is where my bloodline ends no need to carry on
life is like a chess game and im just a tiny pawn
why why why
everything i do goes bad
all i do is nice things and every one getys mad
it just makes me so sad
why why why
this the end
so goodbye my friend
Published 9th Jan 2016
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10th Jan 2016 6:59pm
10th Jan 2016 7:52pm
Please double check your spelling with some of the words. The pace that you want to keep in this poem is quick to create a confusing atmosphere so try to split up the long lines into shorter ones. Your poem also mentions people not believing you is a good idea and it needs some expanding.
Example:
Everything I say no one believes
my words become foreign
eyes staring
whispers piercing
why why why
The pawn idea can also be expanded. I would recommend using the pawn's movement in your poem
such as:
restrained to move forward
into a trap
while other pieces wait
moving
forward,
backward,
and sideways
waiting in my wake
Lastly the idea that nothing you do goes right
Everything I do becomes undone
always smiling
always waving
being charitable for charity's sake
while others try to place my head on a stake
The ending is just a suggestion make your goodbye more dramatic. I would recommend suicide for this poem as it rather dark. This is a lot of feedback and don't stress. The poem is good. These suggestions will hopefully make the poem better.
Example:
Everything I say no one believes
my words become foreign
eyes staring
whispers piercing
why why why
The pawn idea can also be expanded. I would recommend using the pawn's movement in your poem
such as:
restrained to move forward
into a trap
while other pieces wait
moving
forward,
backward,
and sideways
waiting in my wake
Lastly the idea that nothing you do goes right
Everything I do becomes undone
always smiling
always waving
being charitable for charity's sake
while others try to place my head on a stake
The ending is just a suggestion make your goodbye more dramatic. I would recommend suicide for this poem as it rather dark. This is a lot of feedback and don't stress. The poem is good. These suggestions will hopefully make the poem better.
13th Jan 2016 00:27am
