deepundergroundpoetry.com
vodka notes, written with _shadoe_ (katja)
*
i leave notes in
empty vodka bottles
lining
pockmarked pavements
where i've lain my head
trying to sleep off concussions,
maybe you'll remember
where you left me
to take root in the cracks
of back alley
& find the missives
afloat in a street light pool
[i've forgotten where
i am]
and there's another bruise
painting my mouth,
another fracture
in which to hoard
the never-afters
collected from ashtrays
of half smoked cigarettes,
i lick the faded filters
just to keep alive
the taste of your spit
on nights i'm too sober
‘cause nothing feels as hard
as sobriety tastes
I prefer puncture marks
and lighter fluid in my lungs
to silver-lined plaques
on Prozac-stoned days
that tell me everything
is going to be okay
every apocalypse is beautiful
even when I tell myself
I’ll never do this again
especially not with you
though I can count
every scar you’ve laced
across my skin in different
shades of lies and
misdirections
like my skin is a patchwork quilt
of something that isn’t quite love
and isn’t quite hate
and isn’t quite something
I’m willing to let go of
2016
i leave notes in
empty vodka bottles
lining
pockmarked pavements
where i've lain my head
trying to sleep off concussions,
maybe you'll remember
where you left me
to take root in the cracks
of back alley
& find the missives
afloat in a street light pool
[i've forgotten where
i am]
and there's another bruise
painting my mouth,
another fracture
in which to hoard
the never-afters
collected from ashtrays
of half smoked cigarettes,
i lick the faded filters
just to keep alive
the taste of your spit
on nights i'm too sober
‘cause nothing feels as hard
as sobriety tastes
I prefer puncture marks
and lighter fluid in my lungs
to silver-lined plaques
on Prozac-stoned days
that tell me everything
is going to be okay
every apocalypse is beautiful
even when I tell myself
I’ll never do this again
especially not with you
though I can count
every scar you’ve laced
across my skin in different
shades of lies and
misdirections
like my skin is a patchwork quilt
of something that isn’t quite love
and isn’t quite hate
and isn’t quite something
I’m willing to let go of
2016
Published 7th Jan 2016
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 1
comments 13
reads 1004
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
7th Jan 2016 10:44am
7th Jan 2016 3:06pm
8th Jan 2016 1:17am
7th Jan 2016 5:12pm
Hullo, Miss I
very well done both of you. certainly projects a feeling I can relate to, and despite having two different authors from opposite sides of the world it reads like one mind's creation
I've been weighing up 'trying' versus 'tried' in the first stanza. generally its an easy enough call but because the poem starts with "I leave" and the line before trying has 'lain' I think my idea of stuff needs re thinking. ..which is cool cos one can never think enough
I think maybe [ I've forgotten where I am ] seems like a bit of an after thought or some such
"and there's another bruise
painting my mouth, "
painting my mouth is fine, there's nothing wrong with it as such. I feel "painting my (insert body part here) " is a phrase which is being thrown about an awful lot of late, that said it does evoke an easy image so happy days
"On nights I'm too sober"
I may be being over critical here, its just the lines leading up to the end of that stanza are excellent and I found the last line to be less than, one suggestion might be to change to " on nights of *some word or words* sobriety "
Can't fault the last two stanzas at all, may be an idea to separate the last five lines though
anyhow, all just suggestions and critique based on my own preferences
nitpics notwithstanding, I thought it was a wonderful write and took it for my list accordingly
fair play, both of you
*hat tips* keep shinin'
very well done both of you. certainly projects a feeling I can relate to, and despite having two different authors from opposite sides of the world it reads like one mind's creation
I've been weighing up 'trying' versus 'tried' in the first stanza. generally its an easy enough call but because the poem starts with "I leave" and the line before trying has 'lain' I think my idea of stuff needs re thinking. ..which is cool cos one can never think enough
I think maybe [ I've forgotten where I am ] seems like a bit of an after thought or some such
"and there's another bruise
painting my mouth, "
painting my mouth is fine, there's nothing wrong with it as such. I feel "painting my (insert body part here) " is a phrase which is being thrown about an awful lot of late, that said it does evoke an easy image so happy days
"On nights I'm too sober"
I may be being over critical here, its just the lines leading up to the end of that stanza are excellent and I found the last line to be less than, one suggestion might be to change to " on nights of *some word or words* sobriety "
Can't fault the last two stanzas at all, may be an idea to separate the last five lines though
anyhow, all just suggestions and critique based on my own preferences
nitpics notwithstanding, I thought it was a wonderful write and took it for my list accordingly
fair play, both of you
*hat tips* keep shinin'
8th Jan 2016 1:19am
Well, I think it's safe to say you're still the crit king. Thanks for stopping by and leaving such great feedback on this piece, Eamon, much appreciated. I'm glad you enjoyed it and that you found the piece so cohesive.
8th Jan 2016 2:15am
10th Jan 2016 3:10am
hey there Miss Indie, I started to copy and paste my comment from katja's poem but after reading this piece the second time today, I found myself wowed again. I actually hated it ended. You ladies have out done yourselves. This ink's potency filled my eyes and its breathless fluidity stole my air. Truly a captivating piece penned by two amazing poets. xo
10th Jan 2016 3:11am
Thanks so much Rain for your awesome comment. I'm glad the piece left you wanting more.
8th Jan 2016 8:22am
It's not much of a comment but wow, y'all two are great together.
and there's another bruise
painting my mouth,
another fracture
in which to hoard
the never-afters
collected from ashtrays
of half smoked cigarettes,
i lick the faded filters
just to keep alive
the taste of your spit
on nights i'm too sober
I feel this so much, and that's always the best writing.
and there's another bruise
painting my mouth,
another fracture
in which to hoard
the never-afters
collected from ashtrays
of half smoked cigarettes,
i lick the faded filters
just to keep alive
the taste of your spit
on nights i'm too sober
I feel this so much, and that's always the best writing.
10th Jan 2016 4:08am
Thanks so much much Court, glad you're digging this collaboration :) Always a pleasure to have you stop by.
8th Jan 2016 9:08am
salvaging extraordinary art from an apocalypse;
femme & femme, formidable...
femme & femme, formidable...
10th Jan 2016 4:08am
