To The One Who Should Matter

To The One Who Should Matter,
     I know how you feel, I still feel that way. There's no easy fix, or even one I know of, although I still hope. There aren't words to make it better - magic doesn't exist in the world we live in.
     We've both forgotten what it's like to want to exist, to continue living. I've never been convinced that we ever knew what that feels like. It's been so long that we've lived this way; I can't remember ever not. I still hope it gets better. Even when you stopped caring, I still hoped. Even when I stop caring, that hope still burns - it hurts.
     We both have so many dark memories; shadows remain to block our way. And it seems the longer I try, the more I fight, the more shadows I create. I'd like to apologize for that. I know you're fighting, same as me, and it doesn't feel like we're winning.
     There's fear in all of this. You've felt this, and I still do. Everyone expects strength, but they haven't realized that it's not strength we have, but fear. So scared, but we can't let anyone know. We've upheld the appearance of strength - it's killing me now. Even now, my strength has failed, but no one has even realized. I guess since I'm still breathing, I've still got it. There aren't words to change that, nothing I say gets the point across. Trust me, I've been trying. But the worse your story is, the more people believe I can do this. As they say, 'I'm so strong, I can get through anything'. I could scream out the opposite and it wouldn't make a difference.
     I'm so sorry for how alone you'll be; it's my biggest struggle. And although I'd love to point the blame at someone else, I don't think I can. Not everyone can handle how much I've fallen apart, how fucked up we are. It's not fair of me to expect anyone to help me. There are very few people who could live through that. It's not our place to hold people to that expectation. I'm sorry, but you'll be alone more than not, and there's not a way out of it. I wish I could say anything different, but that's the truth.
     I know you hold guilt over what's happened to us. You're guilty about what that guy did to you. You feel guilty over everything that has fallen apart in our life. I know this, that guilt still lives on. You feel guilty about every person you've watched walk away. There aren't enough apologies that could make them come back, I've tried. You feel that you've made them run, just because the life you've lived isn't lived by as many people as we'd like. And the guilt continues for even wishing someone would stay; it's not our place to ask someone to destroy themselves that way. I think we've been hurting anyone who has tried. I have a long list of names you have yet to get to that there will be guilt over. It's natural to want that level of love, but it's not easy to find.
     You'll watch him leave. And him. And him. So many more goodbye's than you are ready for, but get ready for it anyway. Get ready for the true heartbreak that comes with these people. Get ready to fight with your lungs, the pain makes it hard to breathe. Get ready to be alone, it's harder to handle unprepared. It's barely easier when you see it coming.
     Those friends you had in high school, or before? You'll say goodbye to them, too. It's going to get to the point where you lose the surprise at losing people. I've come to expect it. But what I've never told anyone else is, although expected, it's still going to hurt like hell. It's still going to make you feel like you're not good enough. It's still going to feel like someone is squeezing your heart, like your lungs no longer work. You're going to get a lot more sick than you ever thought you could. Food will become your enemy. Anything that could keep you going becomes your enemy when you hurt this way. It's going to keep you up at night, wishing you could change it. It's going to make you wish you could be anyone else. It's going to make you wish you could cease existing. You're going to hate yourself the more it happens. It's not an easy feeling, but I know it well. You'll get to know it, too. I'm sorry for that.
     I haven't learned how to be okay with alone, not now. It'll be years before you get to where I am now. You don't need people. You prefer alone. How I wish you didn't. I've finally been alone as much as I can handle. I've been reaching out for someone, anyone. There's never anyone there. They're all beyond my grasp. And I've never felt weaker, so close to giving up. We've had these feelings before, but I don't know how to make it okay; endurable. I hope I survive beyond all this. I want to see if we ever get better. I want to see if this fight I've been putting up by myself has been worth it. Worth the energy. Worth my time. But, for now, I don't have the energy to keep fighting. I'm just existing, hoping something will change, hoping someone can help me; help us.
     We've lost someone this year who means the world to us. Believe me when I say that I didn't know he would mean this much to me. I had thought he would just be another passing face in my life. And when I realized how his importance to me was changing, I fought it. I wanted to love again, but I wanted to be loved, too. I knew he wouldn't love me, knew it would all end. He told me as much, himself, from the start. Oh, how I fought against my feelings towards him. I fought, and I lost. I didn't think I'd ever feel pain like that again, thought it would be easier since I was already hurt once that way. I was very, very wrong. He showed me different; healthy. And losing him, losing that, was losing a better me. You'll see when you get to that part of your life, but I was getting better. And it wasn't even that I dealt with your history, because I didn't. I started to, though. No, you and I, we were better because we found a part of ourselves that we had forgotten about. In his presence, I was comfortable showing that part of myself again, she has been missing for a very long time. It wasn't even losing how happy I was with him that hurt, not really anyway. It was losing the happiness with that part of myself that hurt. Did I love him? Of course I did, still do, with every fiber of my being. But he was also helping me love myself, and he still has no idea.
     Losing him only intensified the feeling of not being enough. Loving him helped me forget how to hate myself. He made me feel beautiful, undamaged, worthy. I lost my guilt over my past. And it was just with the way he treated me. He made me feel normal, I saw the world around me instead of the hell in me. He was patient when I started slipping. I was learning a different way to live. If he knew, he'd tell me I need to learn how to live that way without depending on any individual person. And he is right, honestly. But I can't 100% do that on my own. I need reassurance that it's okay. Not someone to make me feel like that, but to tell me it's okay when I forget. I don't necessarily need a person, romantically, I just need support. I need affection. There was more involved with him. I was worth it to myself, and I was able to be free with him. I loved him when I didn't want to. And I watched him walk away, twice, and I blame myself. He has an image of me that's never been the person I am. Love will make you stupid, and I settle for less than I deserve more than I ever should. I'm not much to him, but God I want to be so much more. I want to be the person I was before we fell apart. I want him to be the way I knew, the person he was before he was angry. But mostly, I want him to love me, too. After six months, and counting, I've realized he won't. I'm not enough to him to go that far. I wish I could change that, but it's not mine to change. It's just my blame to take, and I'm sorry for the pain of losing him, and yourself.
     There's so much you're up against and I've yet to stop the devastation in your life. I haven't figured out how to protect myself from the pain, or how to accept it. The only thing I've learned is how to cry. I've lived in pain long enough that I can't control these tears. It is now how we fall asleep, I don't plan it. My heart just hurts enough that I can't deal with it anymore. I've been downright sobbing on a daily basis, multiple times a day. I'm amazed I haven't drowned, it feels like I should have long ago. The only thing I can do is beg myself to stay strong; this is bound to pass one day. I can't deal with this anymore all alone, but everyone has gone running, they won't come back. I'm so sorry.
     Maybe, with time, you and I will get better. I'm so sorry for what you have gone through, and for what you have yet to get through. You've been amazing at fighting this far, you've been braver than I could have believed possible. You should matter. I should matter. I'm so sorry for everything. Maybe, in a year, we can look back through our experiences and say we survived. Now, I feel it is impossible. I'm hoping against hope that I'm wrong. I want so much more than life has given. I want to find those pieces of you that are hiding now. I want to be loved. And I want us to say we survived. To the one who should matter, it's you that I'm fighting for.

-Yours Truly