deepundergroundpoetry.com
Feral
He told of how he'd found her when
a comet streaked by overhead,
While later, people asked where she had gone.
Listing distantly, replied
with heaven drifting from his eyes -
She's with me now, a patch of blue,
trusting where she takes me to
from a world not meant for us.
I'm by her side, and on the run.
We stop and rest when evening comes,
to love her 'neath the stars
when day is done, my feral one.
And when the comet comes,
she'll leave that day, and here I'll lay
where I'll love her 'neath the stars
when day is done, my feral one.
Copy/paste the link as a URL to listen to the reading of this poem:
http://thelastlightproductions.com/audio/feral_duet-final.mp3
a comet streaked by overhead,
While later, people asked where she had gone.
Listing distantly, replied
with heaven drifting from his eyes -
She's with me now, a patch of blue,
trusting where she takes me to
from a world not meant for us.
I'm by her side, and on the run.
We stop and rest when evening comes,
to love her 'neath the stars
when day is done, my feral one.
And when the comet comes,
she'll leave that day, and here I'll lay
where I'll love her 'neath the stars
when day is done, my feral one.
Copy/paste the link as a URL to listen to the reading of this poem:
http://thelastlightproductions.com/audio/feral_duet-final.mp3
Published 18th Nov 2015
| Edited 17th Dec 2016
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comments 6
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The author encourages honest critique.
18th Nov 2015 4:04am
18th Nov 2015 10:45am
You're most kind to share that, lee, thank you for your support of this piece. <3
18th Nov 2015 7:50am
Omgosh John, that's exactly what this is! When I woke one morning, the words came to me as lyrics in a melody... thank you so much for hearing it that way. And yes, from comet to comet. You do understand. <3
18th Dec 2016 9:28am
This piece is a fairly nice story with areas of soft rhythm, almost like a song. The beginning stanza presents a sense of interesting mystery: "while later, people asked where she had gone." The "we" pronoun feels a little awkward here:
"We stop and rest when evening comes, to love her 'neath the stars when day is done, my feral one."
If a group of people, or "we" is loving her, then that sentence would make sense; but still, the group of men (who love her) seemed quite suddenly introduced there, and it confused me a bit. Yet overall I really like this piece and its repeated phrases: I haven't read a free-verse that is this marvelous, in a long time.
"We stop and rest when evening comes, to love her 'neath the stars when day is done, my feral one."
If a group of people, or "we" is loving her, then that sentence would make sense; but still, the group of men (who love her) seemed quite suddenly introduced there, and it confused me a bit. Yet overall I really like this piece and its repeated phrases: I haven't read a free-verse that is this marvelous, in a long time.
I thank you sir for the read & crit, and for the considerable support of my write as a free verse.
As for the spot of confusion, if I may, please regard what precedes "We":
"She's with me now, a patch of blue,
trusting where she takes me to
from a world not meant for us.
I'm by her side, and on the run."
My thanks also for the recommend to your Reading List.
As for the spot of confusion, if I may, please regard what precedes "We":
"She's with me now, a patch of blue,
trusting where she takes me to
from a world not meant for us.
I'm by her side, and on the run."
My thanks also for the recommend to your Reading List.
