Days of smoke and mirrors

day 1

Clean air sucks
Im going this way and that
Zig-zagging as I bounce
All I need is a soft puff
And this staccato breathing will go away
But I took the oath
I am honoring my better senses
Bringing into accord some idealistic persona
All around is the jitters
That buzz my brain as it withers
But no one knows
Cause I keep it close
While beneath the desk my foot is twittering
Not making a face while jittering

day 2

Curled in a ball in my brain
To escape the non-existent pain
In a roundabout of swaying
Through a moment of calm
Followed by the wanting of my
smokey umbilical
Chained to an unknown satisfaction
I don’t want it to be known
Or acknowledged
I want it to rid of this
awful dread of constant craving
I listen to people and nod politely
as they tell me their story
while my voice is screaming
from within

day 3

at the early hours
the sun only hinting
the bed sheets have completed its revolution
flipped over myself a half dozen or more
checking the time
2:45
2:57
3:01…
My morning wood hopefully will save me from this
My girlfriend sleeping not so peacefully
Cause I woke her up in my jostling
Perfect timing
She can help release this anxiety in one shot
For now if will do the trick to get me through sleep.

day 4

The desire is still there
The will is slowly breaking
Thoughts are parabolically curbed
My reflecting begins
Something like this:
"Isn't it incredible the things our bodies will die for? What it thinks will keep it alive. Sane. Functional. How much it holds onto the belief that it needs these burning sticks, rolled to addictive perfection."
The rituals are breaking down. The morning coffee and the cigs. The inhalation of anticipation and the exhalation of completion.
Construction of new rituals. What will they be? How do I want to channuel the angst and intensity of life that cigarettes seem to taper. Maybe it's time to light myself on fire and inhaled into the spirit of life
Exhaled out into the vacuous mold of petrification.
Here's a drink to quitting. Who wants to toast with me?