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Loving Myself Again

3 and a half hours of primping,
and that was just today
I see your face, and I do this because
You’re the man I love so you deserve it.
I told you that I was feeling romantic,
You said “Baby, lets play around a bit,”
No.
I tell you that I love you,
and you pull me in close,
kiss me deeply,
and then grab my breasts,
like they are your favourite candy.
“Please stop” I said.
No.

You take me to a meal,
A fast food joint somehow became beautiful
because you were next to me.
You tell me hurry up, we’re going somewhere special.
I knew somewhere in my mind that
I shouldn’t trust you,
I shouldn’t follow,
But you were my beam of light
and who doubts that?
You walked so fast, you held my hand,
dragged me through each fucking track,
And still all I wanted to see were the stars
and you holding me tight.
No.

You laid me down
and asked me a question
“No I don’t want to,”
And you spent awhile prodding and convincing
“Please baby, please”
Until I finally caved,
Whatever, fine, okay.
So you went on your way,
touching like some ravenous beast
who had yet to eat,
I was hoping to feel loved
but I knew that was not the case,
So I changed my mind,
I said it a few times,
You just pretended you were deaf
No.

It was raining, and I had been wearing my best clothes,
My pants are now ripped, my jacket snagged and I’m cold
but you just kept going,
And when you paused I hoped it was done
but I was pinned and you were just putting it in.
I could've fought and I could’ve screamed
but I didn’t know you anymore,
You could’ve hit me,
I wouldn’t have won.
No.
And when you had your way,
and I’d cried the whole time,
You said “Hurry up, we have to walk back”
So I followed you,
And I pretended it never happened,
and that I wanted it.
No.

And I just let you take advantage of me ever since,
and yet you’re gone from my life,
but now I’m so sick that
These memories come back, and it just feels so unreal,
The stories didn’t match and I couldn’t be real,
I see you and the tears fall so fast,
You’re not even here,
Why are you doing that?
Go away, get out of my brain,
I thought that you wanted me,
I never should’ve believed that.
No.

This morning I woke up, 20 minutes at best,
I’m wearing that outfit,
But he doesn’t know that,
He doesn’t know that this is a big step,
That not only am I learning to love myself,
He’s teaching me how to trust a man again.
And not some boy who just wants sex,
Maybe someday, I’ll go back to that place,
Remember the past and think,
I love myself, ass.
Hatamani
Written by Hatamani
Published
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