A conversation with Luci (True story bro entry)

  A conversation with Luci"   (speaking to my inner child)


Hey Luci.....Yeah, I know it's not your real name....... Yeah, I know why she calls you that too. ......I know because she still calls you that..... Yeah, I'm future you...... "old you" You say? I like future you better, but Yeah we can go with that. I guess from where you're at 34 seems pretty old. 1987 seems like such a long time . For me it was a long time ago. I know you can't wrap your brain around it right now, but you're going to get through this. Your Mama doesn't really think you are the devil. She loves you in her own way. She loves you the only way a broken person knows how to love someone that isn't their self. Yes, she's still broken. She's never going to get fixed. Some people don't want to be. Some people are happy being left broken, and it's okay because you didn't break her. She likes to tell you that you did, but I promise you, you didn't.

You see Mama never got over expecting two of you, and only bringing one of you home from the hospital that day. You're not going to understand until you grow up, and have a little person of your very own, and he's going to know how much you love him because having a broken mother is teaching you a few things about exactly who you don't want to become. You don't want to be like her, I know growing up to be her is what scares you the most. ...... Well, you don't have to worry about that because it's never going to happen. I've made sure of that. .... I know you miss your big sister. I know you miss her more than anything, and right now it doesn't feel like she's ever coming home, and she doesn't come home, but you're going to see her again, and you two are going to be closer than you can ever imagine. But, right now you're going to have brace yourself.

It's going to be a while before things make much sense. It's going to be a while before you know you're not alone. You're going to spend a long time blaming yourself for things that you are too young to understand. You're going to spend a long time feeling like you are unworthy of love. It's okay to be afraid. I still get scared too, but I want you to realize that you are lovable, and you don't have to work so hard to keep those walls up forever. You will for a long time, you'll have yourself barred off like Fort Knox, and it will seem like nothing is ever going to get through. ..... Right now you're rolling your eyes telling me that I'm wrong because you have the face not even your Mother can love, but I can tell you that's Just not true.

Pretty soon you're going to start messing up a lot...... Yeah, I know "fucking up" sounds better, but I'm trying to be the positive influence here.... Now I have a little smile out of you. It's about time. I've missed that pretty thing...... But, it is "pretty" and one day you'll realize that too.... See look at you getting me off topic here. You were always a sharp one... "Me" , yes you. .... Well, anyways you're going to start fucking up a lot. You're going to get lost looking for that light at the end of the tunnel. You're going to go looking for it in all the wrong places. I'm not going to lie to you.. It's going to be hard. You're going to learn the hard way because no one is there to guide you, and for the longest time you're going to feel like you are lost in the dark, and you're going to get scared. ..... Yes, you'll come across some monsters too, and they're the scariest kind of monsters far scarier than the ones you read about, and see on T. V. ......Yes, they're going to hurt you, but not as much as you hurt yourself...

It's going to be fear, and pain, and loss that you can't even imagine... It's Just starting Right now, and it's going to get a lot worse before it ever gets better, but it will get better, and you will stop hurting, and one day you'll see how beautiful you are, and you will find a love you never thought could exist, and you will be happy, and you'll finally get it right..... Because that fire in your eyes, It's the same you see in mine while we're talking right now...... You'll never lose that, and you're going to be okay. Yes, one day you'll stop crying too...... I know you don't believe me. It's okay you'll see.

When you make it back to me...... In the here, and now there will be no darkness or tears only light, laughter, and love........"Why"?   You asked.

Because you never gave up hope, and...

Mama is still hanging around to remind you everything you don't want to become.